Food Network Magazine Lunch, Chelsea Market, New York
May 8, 2009

I've been called many things. I've been called short, sarcastic, snotty, a sycophant (ugliest word on earth), a blathering fool, a slob --- you get the picture -- and I either own it, get caught up in it (usually the bad descriptors), or get over it. Mostly I get over it.  Last Friday, the only thing you could have called me was hungry. Oh yeah, and then full of burgers. And guess what? For those of you who think I go to events and just kiss so much butt that my lips turn into toilet paper -- get ready, because I have nothing bad to say about Food Network magazine. Not a thing. I know, turn away from the positivity, it's downright gnarly.

It was a beautiful, beautiful light-blue-skied New York City day on Friday. When I walked to work, leaping over sunbathing roaches, avoiding that freakin' Access-A-Ride van again, and strolling hand in hand with the fluffy squirrels chittering in Madison Square Park, I just knew that nothing could possibly go wrong. Since I received the Food Network mag invitation -- with its sexy, juicy, chunky little burger smack-dab in full color in the center -- I couldn't stop thinking about THE day. I DARE you to top a Friday afternoon in the Food Network test kitchen sampling recipes from its June/July issue. AND I discovered when I got there that the June/July issue lists the ultimate burger in every state. Anyone want to go on a roadtrip and see if they're right?

OK, so - I know this admission is going to make you think I'm a poor excuse for a New Yorker, but I've never spent any quality time in Chelsea Market. Which is why, again, I love my job -- it forces me into places I either keep forgetting to hit up or am too lazy (ahem, hungover) to motivate myself to get to on the weekends. Chelsea Market is an indoor market with an outdoor feel - adorned with squares of bakeries, Amy's bread (where you can watch the dudes make bread!), eco-friendly restaurants, and an expansive fruit market -- all dressed up with beautiful images of human suffering. Yes, I said beautiful images -- have you seen how gorgeous the photography for charity:water is? It's incredible. It inspires me not only to help, but to want to drop everything and pack a bag and my camera and do some cause-photojournalism.

The Food Network test kitchen is on the 6th floor and, after I checked my bag, I was greeted by the Lychee Sparkler and Kiwi Punch, both very tempting, but I still feel drinking and then returning to work is less a fire-able offense and more a trap door into liquid courage that shouldn't be opened. I passed the fuzzy beverages and made a beeline to the cow platter. I haven't met a burger I didn't like (I just lied to you! Café Deville has potentially the worst burger in the city. But their escargot is devine) and the Cheyenne Burger gave me bedroom eyes and now we're to be wed in Madison Square Park.

I took that little burger to a table so we could be alone and when my teeth sunk into that warm tiny bun and through crispy onion rings into the most perfectly crisped slabs of bacon I nearly passed out. The BBQ sauce, cheddar, and the surprise that I only now realized - this was NO COW, it was poultry - ground turkey exploded rambunctiously over my taste buds. I'm sure my facial expression would have offended your granny and frightened small children. Pure bliss. I told Allison Home, Integrated Marketing Manager, Food Network Magazine, that I was thinking about cramming some of those little suckers in my shirt to transport back to the office.

Can you say olive and spice rubbed leg of lamb? I can't when I'm landing it in my tongue hangar (that's for you, Mark Jude) and then after that, when I slid stickers of jerk Cornish hen into my mouth like an angst-ridden teen shoves his friends into a mosh pit at a Rise Against show, I couldn't even say my name. Speaking of names - the very sweet, Illinois-bred Sara Crabbe from Hearst Magazines and the super-helpful Alex Carlin, Director of PR at Hearst were just how I like 'em - see if I need anything, and then just let me run around and do my thing -- perfect. Min's B2B's Shaila Mentore was semi -cursing her graduation gift to herself -- a weekend in Cancun -- as each new plate of yummy foods drifted by. Also seen plucking delectable diet breakers were Sarah Copeland and Bob Hoebee, recipe developers at Food Network Kitchens; Cathie Black, President Hearst Magazines; Tracy Saelinger, Susan Stockton of Food Network; and Maile Carpenter, Editor-in-Chief Food Network Magazine.

What a fabulous Friday. On the million-mile walk home from 9th Ave and 16th Street, I told myself that this foot travel was simply me burning off those burgers, which were tiny. Oh, and I just couldn't resist picking up some cupcakes from Ruby's Bakery in the Chelsea Market. I've been sporadically laughing at them since I returned to the office.  YUM. Oh, and if we're staying on topic -- I should point out that the June/July issue is packed with incredible recipes -- including those of the foods I tried. So yeah, I'll be recreating the experience at home: just a big ole pile of food and myself.

Get your grill ready and send invitations to kelly@mediapost.com!

Grab your napkins, the photos are mouthwatering!