Definitive Expert Answers to ALL Your Questions About Facebook's New Email Thingy
So, Facebook made a pretty big announcement yesterday about its new non-email email messaging thingy. Cool deal. But I know how many of you out there are already shaking in your boxer-briefs, wondering what this means for your comprehensive social media strat decks. Well, be still your Tweeting hearts, for I have answered ANY and ALL questions below, so no further debate, discussion, or clickbaity 'user guides' will be necessary.
So what is this thing actually called?
Right now the pros are calling it Facebook's Non-Email Email Messaging Thingy. Or "F Me No-Mail" for short.
Is it a Gmail killer?
It's a 3000-pound gorilla in the room that's probably gonna eat a lot of lunches, but F Me No-Mail is not going to "kill" Gmail, per se. It might keep Gmail tied up in a basement, savagely beat it for weeks on end, make it dress up like Mrs. Claus and do fancy little Santa dances, then drive Gmail out to a remote wooded area and leave it for dead, but I doubt it will kill it.
When will I get my invite to start using F Me No-Mail?
I, of course, have already gotten hundreds of VIP early-adopter invites from Zuckerberg himself, begging me to start using the service (no, you can't have one -- I marked almost all of them as "Spam" and deleted them, then sent Zuck an F Me No-Mail message suggesting he become a fan of learning how to settle down). But I've since spoken with several high-level Strat people over at Facebook, and what they're all telling me is that they're planning to roll the service out based on a proprietary algorithm that mathematically measures the actual worth of each human being currently using their service. So the important people/winners whose lives matter will be on F Me No-Mail first, and those of you who are insignificant will get your invite someday, when Facebook finally gets around to it (probably post-techpocalypse).
So what does F Me No-Mail mean for the average person?
It means everything is different, and nothing unpleasant will ever happen to anyone ever again.
What does it mean for my lucrative Gmail spamming business?
First of all, I don't like the term 'spamming'. I prefer to refer to unfocused email marketing as "Inbox Brandvangelism." Secondly, it just means we'll have to innovate. F Me No-Mail promises users the ability to prioritize messages coming in from trusted contacts and friends while cutting through "the clutter", so that just means Brandvangelists such as ourselves will have to start running more of a "Long Con" on our ad targets. We'll need to pose as people they might socialize with, befriend them, then embark upon months of pointless Facebook interactions such as "Liking" their status updates, commenting on their photos, and playing endless rounds of Words With Friends. Then, once the time is right, BAM! We blast over an email promising a free iPad in exchange for clicking our phishing links! Nobody said winning was easy.
Will F Me No-Mail create any new revenue markets that can be penetrated, dominated and exploited?
Yes, I've already identified these new emerging markets: Likespamming, Passive-Aggressive FBcc'ing, Facesexting, '@facebook.com' Vanity Naming Auctions, Snail Gmail, and Bedazzled F Me No-Mail MessageBox themes. As always, the monetization opps are endless.
Should I be using F Me No-Mail?
Of course you should. You should be using every new thing that is introduced to the market, because otherwise you might miss EVERYTHING. Sure, F Me No-Mail might just seem like a souped-up version of the current Messages platform targeted primarily at smartphone-addicted Facebooking tween text-spazzes, but what if it somehow miraculously manages to become in any way IMPORTANT? Then you need to be there, doing it too, so you can feel like you are a part of something and the infinite existential darkness will stay away.