• by Fern Siegel , January 3, 2011

The upcoming royal nuptials of Prince William and Kate Middleton scream from every celebrity tabloid. Why all the hullabaloo? First, the economic excess in an age of global meltdown seems sordid. Second, and far more important, did we learn nothing from Princess Diana's tsoris with the House of Windsor? If British parents were paying attention, the lesson was clear: Keep your nubile daughters away from Buckingham Palace.

Anyone who watched Showtime's "The Tudors" knows the dangers of consorting with royalty. Henry VIII may have made great strides in breaking with the pope -- and apparently owned the only Nautilus machine in 16th-century England -- but he was no catch as a husband. His usual method of dealing with disagreements was to send for the executioner.

Fast-forward a few hundred years. Neither Diana nor Fergie enjoyed being royal wives. When the People's Princess went on TV to share her suffering, the public rallied. Prince Charles, who felt more comfortable talking to plants than humans, came off badly. His parents, a study in arctic relations, fared worse.

"The Queen" movie, whatever its creative liberties, did make a point: The family formerly known as Mountbatten isn't warm and fuzzy. Helen Mirren did not win an Oscar for playing a Jewish mother who thinks her son is a genius. Quite the opposite: Liz II believed her chinless wonder couldn't do anything right! If you really want must-see TV, book them on "Dr. Phil."

But that won't stop the media frenzy surrounding the wedding. Nearly 1 billion viewers worldwide tuned in to the 1981 state wedding of Prince Charles and Lady Diana Spencer -- then broadcast by the BBC in an era when both the U.K. and the U.S. had just three national TV channels. An estimated 2.5 billion people worldwide watched the 1997 funeral of Princess Diana, making it the most-viewed TV event ever.

This round, Rupert Murdoch's BSkyB is upping the ante: The satcaster may air the April 29 event in 3D, a medium usually reserved for premium soccer, ATP tennis finals and avatars. The BBC wants to broadcast it in HD. Given the number of outlets -- from TV to social-networking sites -- viewership is likely to break all records.

So will the branding possibilities. Luxury paint maker Graham & Brown just created a pretty pink paint inspired by Middleton, aptly named "Princess to Be," for $35 a can.

Now, whether you're a rabid monarchist or just curious, the wedding will be hard to miss. It's a spectacle, but a predictable one. The bride, Kate Middleton, like many upper-class daughters, has been featured on several best-dressed lists, including The Daily Telegraph and Vanity Fair. Fair enough. She's pretty, and expected to look good. But wouldn't it be refreshing to see her win a Fulbright? Or have the couple avoid the wedding extravaganza and marry at the local registry? If they do, alert the media. That's worthy of YouTube.