Commentary

When The Lights Go Out Again

This week, when they weren't preoccupied insisting they don't have a "frat boy" or "locker room" corporate culture, ESPN said it would consider adding more NASCAR programming if the NFL season plays out in a courtroom rather than on turf. Before they protest too much, ESPN might want to note that the Preakness, having banned "frat boy" partying, saw attendance drop like a stone and is now trying to position the race as "downtown Madison after the Badgers beat Notre Dame in a home game" (something that generally results in a burned car or two, arrests and a raft of "How did I get here?" morning-after queries). 

But seriously, can cars pointlessly circling a track -- while spectators hold up "Show Me Your Tits" signs in the vast parking lot/campground and wait patiently for spectacular crashes -- break the relentless boredom of watching cars burn through about a gallon of gas every 4.5 miles or so? Sorry, ESPN, not an acceptable alternative. But here are a few that are: 

Friday Night Fights: Put Keith Olbermann in a ring against his immediate management superiors at ESPN, Fox Sports Net and MSNBC and let them settle things in a manly way rather than whispering their discontent to journalists.

Erin Andrews (R): Given her career decline -- including the dubious decision to appear on "Dancing with the Stars" -- and since everyone on the planet has already seen her naked in the hotel peephole pix, why not capitalize on her few remaining years as a hot body and launch a pay-per-view show where she dries her hair in higher resolution?

Intervention Denied: An hour-long series that tosses softball questions to professional athletes who have done really dumb shit stuff -- from injecting growth hormones to deciding not to play, to sending nude photos via social media, to having an affair after every round, to shooting their drivers -- so that they can explain to us that they are "just human" and should not be "held up as role models."

Real Friday Night Lights: Continue featuring match-ups between powerhouse high school football teams from around the country so that the pressure to be featured on Intervention Denied can build during the formative years. Along with the usual concussions and disabling orthopedic injuries.

Title Nine Showcase: Live broadcasts of women's sports that enjoyed the most growth since Title Nine passed in 1972: basketball, volleyball, soccer, cross country and softball. Line up Ronco as primary sponsor. Try not to slate all of the cross country at 4 a.m. Have wrestlers, left over from historically the most dropped male sport as a result of Title Nine, provide color commentary. 

Stupid Sports Plays: Steal a page from Tosh 2.0 and show an hour or so worth of little kids catching grounders with their chins or testicles, failed skateboard and dirt bike jumps, etc. Will save time searching and seeing if the YouTube videos recommended by friends are really all that funny.

Stupid Fan Plays: Roll a weekly hour of videos of sports fans being assholes (OK, maybe two or three hours) reminding the majority of Americans why they don't spend $75 per seat (plus parking, plus $9 beers and $7 hot dogs) to see a game in person.

The Bottom Rung: Yes, even D3-level football games are preferable to car races. Trust me. 

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