• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, August 19, 2011

You are no doubt familiar with the usual "shopping seasons" such as Back to School and Holiday (formerly known as Christmas). Those, apparently, are not enough for retailers like Wal-Mart, Sam's Club and Target -- which, according to The Wall Street Journal, have concocted their own promotion-driven "seasons" to ignite impulse buying. Some of them include Allergy Season (March/April) Health and Wellness (January tied to New Year's resolutions) and BakingSeason (November/December). Seems to me they missed a few, like Have Your Fingers Reattached (4th of July); Reinforce Your Mailbox with Concrete (Graduation); and Stop Playing that goddamned Xbox and Get Out and Get Some Exercise! (summer).

There is nothing like these seasons in the tech ad sector, other than the release of new products or system upgrades, which promote some sad souls to stand in line for three days so they can get their picture in the newspaper holding up a package like it was the Stanley Cup. Invites to beta-test new online products spread like head lice in the third grade. Yet there are no "seasons" to look forward to. Let's invent some.

Online UpFront (April/May): This is when the online industry looks longingly at the fat checks being written to TV networks and throws parties and lame presentations to try and pretend that online inventory is just as "scarce" and worthy of high CPMs. This is followed by...

Shit, Didn't Work Again (May, June): Sponsored by various bars and taverns, this season is characterized by drunken lamentations about how agencies just "don't get" online yet. Meanwhile, media buyers are sitting in network seats behind home plate at Yankees vs. Red Sox games.

Overthinking Conference Exposure (year round): This is when clients browbeat their PR and marketing folks to make a splash about something utterly not newsworthy, in conjunction with one of the hundreds of thousands of online ad conferences  -- insisting that while attending said gathering, frazzled and hung-over participates will be more inclined to read the trades than when they are sitting quietly in their offices sipping a Cinnamon Dolce Latte. Or that the release of something un-newsworthy will create "buzz" -- when really, the buzz is about who can get you into the Yahoo party.

Selling Season (quarterly): This is that mythical period in which media buyers are most vulnerable to those annoying PowerPoints because they will have "budgets" burning holes in their pockets.

Approaches that have not otherwise worked will suddenly transfix recent college graduates who are slated to see 340 similar presentations in the next week and a half. But a sudden epiphanal urge to buy will kick in like ecstasy on a thunderous drop in a Dub mix. Or not -- in which case sellers promise their bosses they will make it up "next" selling season.

Vacation (summer): This is generally the week or two period during which you have promised your family you will not be constantly checking your email or getting on conference calls to resolve urgent business problems. Moreover, you have warned your co-workers and clients that you will be "off the grid" then. As a rule, this lasts about 24 to 48 hours before you are telling the kids and your spouse to "go ahead" and that you'll "catch up with them later." Making a vague economic analogy between your income and their tuition (and/or new kitchen cabinets) has no impact on those with whom you have missed fishing and jet-skiing. "Enjoy yourself" emails from your boss received the week before vacation are simply code for, "but it won't stop me from calling your ass."

How Come? Season (year-round): This breaks out on the day another company in your space has been acquired for an unthinkably high valuation, and the founder of your company storms from office to office beating up whoever is stupid enough not to have fled for the day, about how your company is worth so much more and HOW COME no one is stepping up to buy it for a similarly unthinkably high valuation? Warning: Blaming the economy in Greece and Spain is not considered a sufficient answer.