More than I do friends, family members, celebrities or random wags capable of conveying wit and whimsy in 140-character spasms, I love following inanimate entities on Twitter. Country Crock has taught me about truth, respect and pumpkin etiquette. Tide, on the other hand, has challenged me to ponder my place in the grander scheme of things ("If Tide could bring you anything in the world, what would it be?" I'm gonna have to go with "cleaner socks," Richard).
But no brand has surprised, amused, informed and delighted me like Bounty has. In baiting me with an invite to the Latin Grammys, it has awakened my dormant love of la vida loca. By retweeting exciting, magnificently paper-towel'd plans for classroom makeovers and then responding in kind, it has affirmed my faith in the twin pillars of community and brotherhood. Following Bounty's Twitter feed has made me a better, more confident person, one who no longer struggles with indecision after spilling soup on the floor.
[Separately, as of Thursday morning at 10:27 a.m. ET, Bounty follows Tide but Tide doesn't follow Bounty. Is it possible that there's some beef between them? I bet it has something to do with a girl. It always does. In case you're looking for a likely culprit, they both follow Luvs Diapers and Wipes.]
So you can imagine my excitement when I was sent a link to Bounty's new holiday rap video. In it, the "Paper Towel Gang," the most feared and respected crew since the heyday of the Wu-Tang Clan, "come to the rescue of a snow globe factory and perform their craziest paper towel strength test yet." Upon a quick first glance, I was charmed by the energy and utter lack of self-consciousness. Unfortunately, the video has since been set to "private," possibly owing to its glorification of gang violence and graphic depiction of paper-towel absorption. Aficionados of zany white people acting all zany and rappy and whatnot are poorer for its (temporary?) absence.
But there's a silver lining, in that the dormant holiday-video link led me to Bounty's YouTube channel. The brand's marketers have been quite busy on the video front, posting a series of promo photos and craft project how-tos. I'm partial to the one for a "personalized pet food mat," which involves placing a few sheets of Bounty 'neath your cat's tuchus and calling it an afternoon.
Better still are the consumer reviews. I know what you're saying: "Consumer reviews? So long as a paper towel doesn't burst into flames upon contact with human flesh, it satisfies all my needs and then some." I disagree: Without Bounty's fearless, demanding army of product testers, we'd have no idea if Bounty towels boast the versatility that today's dusters-of-things demand in a paper towel ("Whenever I have to shine any of my stainless steel or shine my sink and everything, I'll just use a couple of these and clean them - it's just like having a washcloth or anything to clean up the mess"), nor whether they best generic competitors ("[Bounty] is considered a more name-brand type of paper towel. As such, it's gonna cost you a little bit more money than the generic or knockoff store brand paper towels. However, I think it's worth the money. I've used the store brand paper towels before and noticed a pretty substantial difference").
If there's a disappointment, it's that the YouTube channel doesn't feature extended/unrated versions of Bounty's commercials. Encountering one during my daily viewing of "The Talk" the other afternoon, I couldn't help but wonder: What was left in the edit bay? Did the perky housemom leave her adorably shorn scamp with the neighbors and use her excess squares of Bounty Extra Soft to dab rivulets of sweat off Carmen Electra's heated brow? Alas, we'll never know.
In conclusion, Bounty's online video presence friggin' rules. I've long favored Bounty towels over the competition, because they are a superior product in every way, but now I am a flag-waving member of Bounty Nation. In tribute, I'm going to knock over my glass of orange juice - just knock it right the heck over, as a testament to the security a nearby roll of Bounty affords me and the renewed belief in American innovation it stirs deep in my loins. U-S-A! U-S-A!