Note to Oil Company Campaigns: Stop Being Polite And Start Being Real.

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I first watched "Let's Go 2012," the first volley in the second wave of Shell's ongoing we-are-environmentally-responsible-no-really-we-totally-are-ask-anyone brand campaign, with the sound off. This made for a fun guessing exercise: Which head-up-its-ass global superconglomerate had sprung for this parade of generic images intended to emphasize, like, the commonality of human experience?

Initially, I was thinking a big honkin' bank, owing to the clip's calculated multiethnicism and its benign-nurturer-of-the-working-man self-regard. It kicks off at the dark heart of sunrise, with an Asian woman, a Latino dude and a white schoolgirl making their way to work/school via three different modes of transport (train/car/bus). The Asian woman is either a restaurant owner or the stern judge on a poorly lit Top Chef knockoff. The Latino dude works at a stadium and, based on the omnipresence of his walkie-talkie, has many urgent things to say about goalpost placement. The girl shares her books, plays with clay and generally acts in a manner unbecoming a sugar-addled schooligan.

The middle seconds of the clip play up the similarity of the three stories. We see drums at school and drums at the stadium (which suggests that the Asian woman is a bad restaurant manager/reality show judge, because it's a failure of culinary imagination not to pair a drumstick with a drumline). I can't say I understand how the calf massage fits in, though. Maybe Big Pharma is behind the clip instead? There's an industry that sees itself as transcendent global healers.

Finally, having earned their keep by going about their business/math drills in a workmanlike manner, all three individuals head home. The Latino guy gets back in his car, the Asian lady hops back on the train and the schoolgirl scampers home after the bus drops her off… but now it's snowy? That suggests climate change and… Oooh, I got it! It's an oil company behind this! The clip is another dummyheaded attempt by an oil company to convince us that it is a responsible steward of our precious natural resources!

Shell, of course, likes to think of itself as an "energy company," one that fuels our hopes, dreams and carpools with energy juices as pure as the ocean is salty. On second watch, I don't know how I missed the Shell billboards in either corner of the stadium - or the Shell station at the 47-second mark, or the Shell logo at the 57-second mark. Even minus the overt branding, the we-is-transportatin'-y'all! thrust of the parallel day-stories should've tipped me off. Either way, the narration is an inadvertent hoot, with a calm-voiced dude yammering about natural gas and clean electricity, rather than Shell's summer plans to pillage the Arctic circle.

I like my oil/energy companies like I like my ketchup and my women: green and at least 82.5 percent contaminant-free. But really, their pro-environment approach has entered the realm of the comical. No sentient being takes Shell at its we-love-the-environment-so-much-that-we-take-parts-of-it-home-with-us-every-night word, nor believes that BP's decision to color-code its logo to match Mother Earth's new frock will end the company's practice of dipping baby otters in raw crude. A new approach is needed, one that passes the "Come on. Seriously?" test.

Here's what I suggest: Shell (and BP and ExxonMobil and anyone else who's ever inserted a catheter deep into the folds of the planet) oughta ditch the affable/concerned 'tude and concentrate instead on playing up its contributions to the global economy. I'd go with something along the lines of: "Hi, I'm Peter Voser, CEO of Royal Dutch Shell, and I'm here with a message to Greenpeace, Earth First, PETA and all you other patchouli-soaked scolds. The message is this: We employ a lot of effin' people, which makes us more middle-class-friendly and a better corporate citizen than Whole Foods and Zappos.com combined, even if we haven't yet figured out a way to work hemp tote bags into our business model. Remember that the next time you fill up your monoxide-spewing van on the way to see Furthur. Have a nice day, or don't. It's all the same to us." Incorrigible, loathsome and pragmatic beats needy, trend-toeing and implausible any day.

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7 comments on "Note to Oil Company Campaigns: Stop Being Polite And Start Being Real.".

1. Dave Brody from TechMediaNetwork
   

   commented on: June 14, 2012 at 4:58 p.m.
   I laughed. I cried. I wet myself with hydrocarbons. I've been guilty of sitting in too many meetings trying too hard to find, make, or re-purpose video content to put behind these lame campaigns. Thanks, Larry. From now on I'll just say no. ... 'til the boss reads me the riot act.
2. Steven Groves from Social Marketing Conversations, LLC
   

   commented on: June 14, 2012 at 5:03 p.m.
   yeeahhh - not sure the "Incorrigible, loathsome and pragmatic" messages too well with consumers... but I do agree that what we have today from these organizations is fairly disingenuous when they suggest they actually care about the planet or have any clue on how to provide energy without irreplaceable fossil fuels
3. Lee Schneider from Red Cup Consulting
   

   commented on: June 14, 2012 at 5:10 p.m.
   Telling the truth would be novel, but a lot of people would get fired, and what would that do to the employment stats?
4. Corey Kronengold from CKPR
   

   commented on: June 14, 2012 at 6:04 p.m.
   Or you could sit around and wait to become the victim of a social media spoof on your effort that goes viral. http://arcticready.com/social/gallery
5. Robert Wright from iAsk
   

   commented on: June 16, 2012 at 3 a.m.
   Intelligent/ conscious people are not the target of this campaign. The campaign is aimed at people who don't have enough time, energy, resources and money, it helps them focus on their everyday worries and fears, and turn off to the future dangers presented by corporately driven energy policy. In essence, this is a feel good advert for people who are struggling to cope with internal and externally generated fear and worry.
6. Mark Walker from aka Media Mark
   

   commented on: June 18, 2012 at 5:47 p.m.
   Or they could say "No, we don't really have 90% of politicians in our pockets- no way!" or "We really don't want your government subsidies any more"... those would get our attention! How's this, "We're ExxonMobil- and we really don't suck as much as we used to." Oh wait- they still do!! And don't you just loathe the blonde woman who rides up and down the fracking well on the Sunday morning news shows? What a crock!
7. Robin Solis from SpotMagic, Inc.
   

   commented on: June 22, 2012 at 9:10 p.m.
   I like the cut of your jib, Larry. Good article.

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