Shooting Up Your Way To A Better Self Image
The Bulging Bicep Gym in Stamford Conn. terminated the membership of Barnard Fife, a resident of nearby Darien, when it was determined that Fife had been blood doping prior to his spin and Zumba classes. The discovery was made by BBG's janitor, who reported that urine Fife failed to flush in the men's locker room was "the color of a Hawaiian sunset."
"This doesn't really surprise me," fellow spin class doyenne, Francine Fannypack, told Over the Line. "He was always the one yelling 'feel the burn' and 'more sprints" while the rest of us were crying for the class to be over."
The gym also stripped Fife of his "Biggest Loser" title that was awarded last February when he lost the most post-holiday weight in the shortest period of time. "I suppose we should have been a little more suspect when Fife worked out seven-and-a-half hours every day while most of our other members average an hour visit every 10 days or so," said BBG associate manager Beth Toussant. "The real shame of it is that we used to hold Barney up as an example of what could be accomplished by being more dedicated to workouts."
Fife is 55 years old, 5'10", and weighs 135 pounds, with a body fat percentage of 8. He gives the appearance of a much younger man. He tells Over the Line that he broke no laws and has no regrets about transfusing his own blood prior to workouts in order to increase his aerobic capacity. As a result he was able to work out longer and harder than other members of the gym.
"Not gonna lie to you -- we all thought Barney was The Man at the gym, " said a member who asked that we not disclose his name (which is Rob Petrie). "I mean, the rest of us would come in and do a quick circuit on the Nautilus, then hit the cross-trainer for 20 minutes and call it a day. But there was Fife, kicking ass and taking names. All the MILFs snuck looks at him, and who knows how many he hooked up with. Any one of us would have traded places with him in a heartbeat."
"Look, being able to crank a steady spin for a couple of hours while listening to some Bird Peterson mixes is not the same thing as cheating to win the Tour de France," Fife told Over the Line. "Half the people in my Zumba class are high on prescription pain killers, Peruvian snow, amphetamines or energy drinks. Most of the football players in this town are taking some sort of muscle mass concoction, some of which are probably anabolic steroid-based. Everyone wants an edge. I just chose to shoot mine in my arm."
Asked about the efficacy of keeping the Biggest Loser cash award, Fife said," I had certain, uh, 'training expenses' I need to cover, so I think I’m going to keep the money. Especially since they already kicked me out of the gym."
"Fife's nuts are not going to fall off because of blood doping," said Dr. Johnny Fever, a general practitioner who also asked to remain anonymous. "I suppose he might be at risk of overtaxing his heart if he has any kind of artery blockage or arrhythmia. Doping also increases blood viscosity, making blood clots much more likely and stroke more likely. But how does that compare with being a stud among the rest of us flabby, overweight folks? Mr. Fife could probably benefit from a few sessions with a licensed psychotherapist exploring his self-image, but that's his business."
Fife's demise follows a series of blood doping scandals in professional cycling, track and field, soccer and wrestling, and the revelation by at least one runner that he doped to win the modest prize money offered by local road races.
Full disclosure: I blood-doped to write this column (and wash three cars, 45 windows, do three loads of laundry -- now folded and put away -- finish shopping for groceries, Xmas, with a head start on Valentine's Day and Easter, and take six classes at the gym. All today).