Facebook Names Zuckerberg Friend #1

“Facebook will hold a vote, possibly later this week, in which it will ask users to abolish their right to vote on changes to the social network's privacy policies.” -- CNN.com

An official communiqué from network headquarters, Palo Alto.

Facebook members will doubtless have noticed numerous growing threats to our social network, including issues surrounding the stock price, difficulty establishing an effective mobile advertising model, and even the possibility of government regulation. In these uncertain times, our network needs strong leadership more than ever before. Therefore Facebook’s central standing committee has drawn up a comprehensive plan to ensure the safety and security of the network.

First, we are asking Facebook members to vote to give up their right to vote. In addition to giving up the right to vote, this vote will be considered an official vote of approval for all measures to come. Thus, in giving up your right to vote, you are not actually giving up your right to vote; you are just voting much less, which will result in a considerable time savings and less inconvenience overall.

The vote to stop voting will clear the way for some important changes in your Facebook leadership. Most importantly, the central standing committee proposes to grant CEO Mark Zuckerberg the new titles of “Friend #1” and “Chairman Until Order is Restored.” Along with these new titles, Friend #1 will wield expanded powers, including unlimited access to all personal information for all users, as well as the right to add, edit or delete all member profiles, posts, texts and emails sent via Facebook or other online platforms.

As one of his first acts, Friend #1 is ordering the creation of new Facebook groups for every workplace, school, and civic or religious organization, which will include all that institution’s employees, students, participants, adherents, etc. Failure to join your relevant groups will result in deletion, termination, excommunication, and any other applicable penalties.

Facebook members are now required to check in their location at all times. This includes when you are at home; please specify which room you are in.

Friend #1 further ordains that “Couple” status is now mandatory for all Facebook members. Single Facebook members are instructed to pair off with each other or face deletion. All couples are instructed to conduct surveillance of each other, as well as other couples, to ensure network security. All members have one month to demonstrate compliance by posting cute photos of themselves doing couple things.

Finally, Friend #1 decrees the abolishment of private property and communal ownership of land on Farmville, which will henceforth be known as Khmerville. Farmhouses will be rebranded as “barracks.” All members will be required to contribute voluntary donations to buy virtual communal goods. Avatars wearing glasses, costumes, or any other accessories which denote class background or status will be deleted.

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2 comments about "Facebook Names Zuckerberg Friend #1".
  1. Mike Bloxham from Frank N. Magid Associates , November 27, 2012 at 1:54 p.m.
    Very nicely done. Onion-worthy in fact.
  2. Steve Kavetsky from AgooBiz, Inc. , November 28, 2012 at 10:48 a.m.
    I agree with Mike Bloxton - this article is classic! I've been contemplating for a few years now the parallels between Social Networks and Socialism. Although I am wholeheartedly against Socialism [my family & I escaped to America from the USSR back in 1983], I run a Social Commerce Network so I can't be totally against Social Networks. However, due to the proliferation of Social Networks and the fact that privacy is virtually non-existent, WE users must be vigilant and aware of how things gradually creep into our lives due to the widespread sharing of personal info, virality, inter-connectivity, etc. If our American system wasn't so strong [thanks to our founding fathers], FB would be a perfect tool for a Socialist Dictator to use during a power grab. Great Piece Erik! Steve Kavetsky Co-Founder/Pres. AgooBiz // The Social Commerce Network "WE work greater than me"