Welcome, All of You, to the Clerestory Portion of Martha Stewart Living

by George Simpson, Sep 17, 2004, 12:00 AM

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Desk Sergeant: Hello, 14th precinct. How can I help you?

Caller: Yo dawg, I want the 5-0 to drop me in the hole... now.

Desk Sergeant: Latrelle, is that you?

Caller: Word!

Desk Sergeant: You want me to lock you up now? Why, you're out on appeal bro?

Caller: I seen this ol' white lady on TV saying it was like better to get on down to iron city so's she can get back to maintaining and gettin' her possie back on the street.

Desk Sergeant: Latrelle, you have a court appointed lawyer three weeks out of Fordham; you've got a sheet longer than my arm; you were busted for selling crack, not sell stocks and you are black. That woman is a big white-world tycoon. They treat her differently.

Caller: Like how Sergeant Po-Po?

Desk Sergeant: Well, for one thing they didn't beat the crap out of her when she got busted.

Caller: Ripenisulous, dawg!

Desk Sergeant: And she's not expecting to go to Riker's or Attica like where they're sending you.

Caller: Where at?

Desk Sergeant: Danbury.

Caller: S---, man livin' in the projects is harder time than Danbury.

Desk Sergeant: Word!

Caller: How come she gets to pick her jailhouse?

Desk Sergeant: Well, she's a first-time offender and there was a lot of political and PR pressure to give her break.

Caller: I could get my moms to call the judge!

Desk Sergeant: Forget it Latrelle, you just ain't got the juice. She had a Web site, a bunch of PR people, about 20 lawyers and a bunch of whinny white folks who said if her business got worse, they have to trade down from BMWs to Jaguars.

Caller: What 'bout my bidness, man? Since I got busted my crew ain't sellin' s---! They gots families too.

Desk Sergeant: Well, your business was selling crack to teenagers, hers was convincing Midwest housewives they'd never be perfect enough. You hooked your clients on cocaine; she hooked hers on feelings of inadequacy.

Caller: So this lady was a pusher, got busted for a federal crime, only gets five months in the big house and five she gets to spend at home with two beloved, fun-loving dogs, seven lively cats, canaries, horses, and even chickens?

Desk Sergeant: That's about it.

Caller: Dammmmmmnn. She must be like all jumpin' wit' joy?

Desk Sergeant: Not really, she thinks she got hosed by the system.

Caller: When she gets out send her up here to 125th Street, I'll show her what life is really like when you break the law and you ain't some big shot, white bread, honkie crybaby.

Desk Sergeant: You got it...maybe she'll bring cookies.

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