Commentary

The O'Reilly Tapes

Mackris: Hello?

O'Reilly: Who's your daddy?

Mackris: Uh, Pedro Martinez?

O'Reilly: Hey, do I sound like anything other than a middle-aged, white, upper-income American male?

Mackris: uh, Al Franken?

O'Reilly: Oh you say the cutest things.

Mackris: You aren't going to start in with your usual thing, you know, talking about sex on the phone?

O'Reilly: Surely you have heard of the Constitutional right of free speech, my little dumpling; it is not just for those leftist whackos like Susan Sarandon. Speaking of, I wouldn't mind...

Mackris: Oh stop. Not again.

O'Reilly: So, what are you wearing? Don't tell me. Let me guess. My favorite? The navy blue suit, with the cream colored blouse and, dare I say it, a string of white pearls!

Mackris: Bill, its one o'clock in the morning. I'm wearing the National Rifle Association Political Victory Fund sweatshirt you brought me back from the Columbine memorial.

O'Reilly: How would you feel about taking it...

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Mackris: Don't start with me again. I'll hang up.

O'Reilly: But I just can't help it. I am so lonely and starved for affection.

Mackris: Well, maybe if you stopped pissing off everybody you meet, it would help.

O'Reilly: But you just don't understand; my life is very hard. Unless I am vigilant 24/7, the country could be overrun by people like Mario Cuomo, Richard Gere, Michael Moore, Wyclef Jean, Bonnie Raitt, and Michael Stipe.

Mackris: Yeah, and what's the worst that could happen? They'd build schools instead of F/A-22 Raptor fighter jets that cost $260 million EACH?

O'Reilly: God, keep talking about the Raptor, I'm getting a stiffie.

Mackris: Jesus Bill you are so weird, Okay, ready? Here goes: power and wealth...

O'Reilly: Yes, yes, keep going.

Mackris: Supply side; theocratism; militarism; imperialism.

O'Reilly: Oh my God, I'm getting close.

Mackris: Marriage can only be between a man and a woman; Pope John Paul II; collapse of the family; workfare instead of welfare.

O'Reilly: Yes, Yes, Tell it like it is baby, you know what I like.

Mackris: Phyllis Schlafly; limiting Social Security benefits; stem cell research; no amnesty or student loans for illegal aliens.

O'Reilly: I'm THERE....ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Mackris: Geez, what a sicko. I ought to tape these calls; no one would believe them.

O'Reilly: Go ahead babycakes. We're on the same team.right?

Mackris: (click)

O'Reilly: Right baby? Right? I'm right, Right? Hello?

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