• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, October 11, 2013

The New York Times this week reported on a new study, by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, that found the skill level of the American labor force is not merely slipping in comparison to that of its peers around the world -- it has fallen dangerously behind. The report is based on assessments of literacy, math skills and problem-solving using information technology that were performed on about 160,000 people ages 16 to 65 in 22 advanced nations of Europe, plus Russia and Cyprus. Five thousand Americans were also assessed.

Said the Times: "Though we possess average literacy skills, we are far below the top performers. Twenty-two percent of Japanese adults scored in the top two of six rungs on the literacy test. Fewer than 12 percent of Americans did. We are also about average in terms of problem-solving with computers. Paradoxically, our biggest deficits are in math, the most highly valued skill in the work force. Only Italians and Spaniards performed worse."

Well, yeah -- if you’re going to measure us only against those pointy-headedliberal elitist Ivy League metrics like literacy, math skills and problem-solving using information technology. After all, we are Americans -- not tightly wound overachievers like those Asians who make their kids study all day, every day, terrified they might get a B in something. Let's level the playing field and use metrics that are more important to the U.S. of A, like the following:

Football: Hey Europe, bring your "football" teams over here, and we'll have the NFL open up a can of ass-whipping that will make Zinedine Zidane look like a walk-on at Prairie View. We laugh at concussions, we play through shoulder separations, we shoot up twisted ankles with Xylocaine. Dementia? See ya in 10 years, pal. Bet the Sorbonne or the Tokyo Institute of Technology don't pull 110,000 for home games!

TV: Show me anotherlabor force that can turn a story about a math-teacher-turned-meth-dealer/murderer into a national phenomenon. Or a speed-addicted nurse. Or a serial killer. Bet if you foreign types had to figure out the dialogue in “The Wired,” you wouldn't have a clue what Stringer Bell, Omar Little or Marlow Stanfield were talking about. Come on over and we'll walk through the West Baltimores we have in every major city.

Government: You can have your people's republic of this or that. Take your socialist welfare-coddlers and stick 'em up your entitlement programs. Here in America we have a democracy, where the folks we elect go to Washington and do what we tell them to do. Can't recall just who told them to invade Iraq, shut down the government or default on our debts -- but it must have been lots of people. Because that's the way we roll here in the Land of the Free.

Duplicity: No one else in the world can touch the way we say one thing, then do just the opposite. We consider it an art form (as long as you don't ask us to actually support the arts). We are world-class bloviators about the dangers of talking on cell phones while driving, but we all do it. Just like we tell the pollsters we are religious, then never go to church except for Christmas and Easter. (But we are willing to help our neighbors, as long as it just involves writing a check.) In the ad business, we all talk about how important it is to help brands connect with their target audiences, then go home and block online ads and fast-forward through TV commercials.

Bullshitters:  I wager we are unmatched by any other labor force in our ability to pretend we know what we are talking about. Programmatic buying? Pull up a chair. Activation? Let me tell you about activation. Reach? Know it cold. The square root of nine? Well, there you go with that pointy-headedliberal elitist Ivy League metrics like literacy, math skills and problem-solving-using-information-technology approach again. Come on, we're Americans!