Your Future Revealed Here -- Now, Today. Trust Me!

by , Jan 3, 2014, 7:30 AM
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Prognosticators have a long history of being wrong. Especially the guy who predicted the end of the world on a certain date last year -- and when that passed, gave a new date, and when the sun rose on the day after that, he just kinda shrugged and went back to spreading the good word. Most of the predictions you are reading now on various sites here and there are wrong, but that doesn't stop anyone from making them. So, fair warning: What you are about to read may NOT necessarily come true. But that isn't stopping me, either.

In 2014:

The NSA will monetize its data collection by offering up a cloud-based retrieval system, so when you drop your phone in the toilet, or one of your shitfaced relatives sits on your iPad or laptop, you can recover all the data you had in the flash memory or hard drive. They got it anyway, so why not reduce the deficit significantly by selling backup subscriptions for $9.99 a month?

The population of Facebook will soar past the 2 billion mark, but everyone between the ages of 12 and 22 will disappear from the social network. Pictures will magically morph from beer pong to panoramas shot off the cruise line bow. Pretend-gang-related hand signals will yield to highball glasses and fish held on a string. Tim Armstrong will say advertisers can find the kids on Patch.

Bot traffic will overtake real traffic -- but happily, those bots will click on banner ads at a higher rate than real humans. Publishers will start boasting that increasing from .00001% to .00001.5 shows an improvement in audience "engagement." The guys who say “sticky" will be banished to the old-timers’ list.

Drones will begin to show up outside your second-story bathroom window. "F**K Yeah Drone Shots!!" follow on Tumblr, and quickly pass 5 million monthly uniques. GoDaddy buys a sponsorship.

A 12-year-old will be arrested for hacking into the Target database of consumer credit card info. He will not be prosecuted, since he tearfully convinces the judge that it was part of a homework assignment for his 6th grade "Intro to Computers" class. He will end up with a C+ on the paper because the teacher will say he didn't "stretch himself."

A document given to The Guardian by Edward Snowden will reveal that the only information NOT collected by government agencies is checkouts and returns to public libraries. Obama will claim that that is where the line had been drawn.

Apple will introduce a lifesaving line of artificial hearts, lungs, livers and eyeballs, but they will only work in conjunction with the operating systems in iPhones, iPods, iPads and Mac Book Pros. Hospitals will offer them in a package, but the majority of healthcare providers will refuse to cover the costs, saying that the products are too unreliable and that they tend to break down just as the warranty expires.

Bitcoins will be accepted by hotdog venders, but buyers will struggle with what to do with $780 in hotdog and pretzel credits given as change.

Someone will justify a $1,000 10-block Uber ride. In the time it takes to go the 10 blocks, 150 children will starve to death in Syria.

Someone will come back from CES and not claim to have seen this famous brand guy or that renowned agency head. Within weeks, they will forget most of what they heard on the floor tour, and will realize that not a soul they meet will care that they even went to CES. They will vow to remember this when someone asks if they will go to Cannes. But they won't.

1 comment on "Your Future Revealed Here -- Now, Today. Trust Me!".

  1. George Parker from Parker Consultants
    commented on: January 3, 2014 at 4:57 p.m.
    Maybe I only saw it in a movie, but didn't the CIA or the FBI many years ago monitor what kind of books certain people checked out of public libraries? "The idiot's guide to Atomic Bomb building" could get you in a lot of trouble. Cheers/George "AdScam" Parker

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