• by Larry Dobrow , Featured Columnist, December 10, 2015

I don’t ask for much, really. A warm bed. A square meal. A 65-inch ultra HD smart LED  television amplified by a 5.1 channel sound bar with wireless subwoofer and satellite speakers and controlled by a 12-device backlit universal remote control, stationed in a windowless, soundproofed room equipped with wet bar and faux starlit ceiling. But I’d like to use this forum to issue a quiet, heartfelt appeal: Please, brand-video-making-type people, stop ruining hugely anticipated pop-culture events like Star Wars: The Force Awakens for me.

“Ruining” might be a bit strong. Still, the 62,750 Star Wars-related pitches that crossed my screens during the last six weeks have managed to deflate my excitement for the main event (you know, the movie, with the laserships and robotfolk and Hutts and such). Do I still plan on coming down with a killer cold that cruelly robs me of my ability to work on the morning of December 18? I do. But the anticipation now feels muted. It’s like I’ve already lived with the thing for a while and, as a result, it has lost its power to exhilarate me. It feels like just another tentpole flick.  

[Quick question: If I bring my four-year-old with me to the screening - I mean, to the doctor’s office where I’ll be receiving treatment for my terrible whooping-sniffle-itis - will I find myself on the receiving end of a visit from Protective Services? I’ve already arranged baby-sitting coverage to coincide with the arrival of The Hateful Eight.]

While I appreciate marketers’ enthusiasm to sidle up to one of the few can’t-miss entertainment properties out there, they’ve pressed too hard on this new Star Wars - especially since their spiels were delivered in tandem with all sorts of other messaging. There was “Force Friday,” the day all the toys and collectibles were unleashed. There was the fanfare that accompanied the arrival of each trailer, several milliseconds of which unveiled dimly revelatory information about characters and plot direction. There was the Google… I believe the technical term for it is “thing.” And now there are the marketing tie-ins, each more deluded (“pshaw, we’ll TOTALLY be the licensor that breaks through the clutter!”) than the next.

The marketing overload isn’t going to matter in the end, because The Force Awakens is going to rake in kajillions of dollars and spawn 12 pre-sequels and send “Leia” and “R2” up the list of 2016’s most popular baby names. That said, for reference purposes only, here’s my ranking of the Star Wars-related content that has been thrust upon us like so many unsheathed lightsabers during the last six weeks. I’ve arranged them in rough order of pointlessness, from most to least.

1. So, like, the black Fiat represents Darth Vader and evilishness and the white one represents, like, Luke Skywalker and decent benevolent goodness. Got it. Unfortunately, regardless of hue and thematic implications thereof, the cars still look like they went a few rounds with a trash compactor. John Williams’ soaring score does not by itself confer grandeur or resplendence.

2. Did you hear that HP has created a Special Edition Notebook with Command Center software and “Star Wars-themed desktop icons”? I read about it on my phone.

3. Covergirl’s Star Wars collection videos serve as handy how-tos for women who can’t crack the makeup code for everyday looks like “aggressive stormtrooper” and “dark apprentice” This will hopefully be the only time you encounter the phrase “villainous contours” in a non-Kabuki context.

4. ESPN is Disney! Star Wars is Disney! Lightsabers are officially an implement of corporate synergy. Unrelated: Did I ever tell y’all about the time I went to Jedi training? I died 32 times in the first six minutes. It was a hoot.

5. Come on, Verizon. Who has the energy to download a special-edition VR app dealie and remember to check back in at a later date for the “Jakku Spy” content that renders it functional? Even the title of this video - “STAR WARS: THE FORCE AWAKENS Google Cardboard brought to you by the Force of a better network” - is exhausting. Don’t make us work for it.

6. “Droid viewers” in General Mills cereal boxes? Sure, why not. The force-feeding is strong with this one.

7. I’m sorry. I can’t yet disassociate Subway from Jared. Let’s revisit in six months.

8. It feels wrong to lump in Duracell’s warm, clever spot, which celebrates the power of imagination, with the rest of this overbaked dreck. So let its inclusion here beam a powerful message deep into galaxies far, far away: Tie-ins that celebrate a property’s spirit are infinitely more appealing than those that showcase a few familiar faces/settings/props and call it an afternoon. Learn from this, everybody.