• by Wayne Friedman , Staff Writer, February 7, 2005

If the Super Bowl advertisers could have seen me last night with my TiVo, they probably would have thought they had finally woken up from their nightmare --- I was fast-forwarding the football game to see the commercials.

This was not so for every American, I'm sure. Most watched the commercials the first time around this year to make sure there was no funny business like flatulent horses or breast-baring R&B singers.

None of that happened, though Paul McCartney did take off his jacket to sing "Live and Let Die" and "Hey Jude" - a wardrobe function.

As far as the commercials were concerned, only one got a true laugh from the always-jaded Los Angeles Super Bowl party I attended: the Ameriquest Mortgage spot where a man comes home early to make dinner for his significant other.

But while cooking, the cat tipped over the saucepan full of tomato sauce. As his girlfriend is coming through the door, he was caught picking up a seemingly bloody cat in one hand and holding a cutting knife the other.

After viewing the spot, we went back to our usual sarcasm - something about how quickly Brad Pitt's career has plummeted, as he starred in a Heineken spot.

All to say MSNBC.com explained it well: "Ameriquest appeared to achieve its objective even without the usual ingredients of animals, celebrities, and children, a predictable formula."

USA Today, long reigning king of the Super Bowl ad review, had other ideas. It said for the seventh time in seven years, Anheuser-Busch had the best ad, this from its own exclusive panel of TV viewers. (The Ameriquest spot that our little Los Angeles panel of viewers liked came in eighth).

Adcritic.com had no A-B spots in the top 10. It said the best was from Volvo with billionaire Richard Branson and a rocket that turned into its new sport-utility vehicle.

Advertisers were pretty safe - and relatively non-sexual -- with their creatives. The hottest ad? McIlhenny Tabasco Sauce - with a girl in a bikini.

For years, the high cost of a Super Bowl commercial has been content fodder for a Super Bowl spot, which this year averaged $2.4 million. But instead of a paying advertiser taking a shot at the price, this year it was Fox - the network airing the Super Bowl - that took a poke while promoting its series, "24."

Next year the NFL will probably restrict any mention of money in commercials. This is family viewing and we need to protect our kids, not only from sex, but big business-related topics.

The Super Bowl is about monkeys and beer and football and tomato sauce -- in just about that order.