Commentary

United's "Big Metal Bird" Soars (Sorry)

Because I am a minimally considerate person, I feel obliged to issue the following warning to everyone flying on United Airlines between New York and Miami in the second week of June: I’m about to cash in a vault’s worth of travel karma.

Let me explain. In the days before I had kids - which is to say, in the days when I left the house for destinations other than touch-a-truck bacchanals and Bounce U - I used to travel a decent amount. When I did, I always tried not to cast aspersions on parents for the behavioral sins of their children.

When Junior unleashed a crying jag at 35,000 feet that didn’t end until the baggage rolled onto the carousel, I didn’t issue a series of passive-aggressive sighs. When sibling of Junior kneed me in the groin while attempting to launch himself into the aisle, I didn’t introduce him to words that had not yet been added to his vocabulary. Granted, a bellyful of lorazepam helped moderate my mood somewhat, but the point remains: I was decent to your kid. Furthermore, I didn’t hold you responsible for your kid having the temerity to act like a kid.

So when I fly with my two budding hooligans/grifters for the first time next month, I will expect the same treatment in return. It is probable that they will sing, fart and fidget their way down to Florida. While I’ll do what I can to keep them from raising their voices and kicking the seats in front of them, it is likely that they will invade your personal space at some point during the two hours we’re cooped up together. If this exceeds your ability to tolerate, take it up with United.

Whose employees - sound the segue siren! - appear to receive plenty of training for just this sort of situation. That’s the big takeaway from the supremely likable series of “Big Metal Bird” explainer videos that United has been dropping around once a month since December. In the clips, the airline attempts to demystify everything from the route-selection process to maintenance/inspection procedures to fleet coordination. In doing so, United manages to make viewers forget the myriad indignities and inconveniences foisted on circa-2016 passengers. That’s no small achievement.

The two most recent of the “Big Metal Bird” videos, “Flight Attendant Training” and “Flight Attendants Onboard,” are the most entertaining of the bunch. Since we’ve all seen attendants go about their business - pouring drinks, demonstrating safety techniques, telling the lady in 12A that there’s no concrete reason to believe that the man in 10C wearing a turban is a terrorist - we think, “Hell, I could do this.” Well, we can’t. It’s enlightening (and weirdly comforting) to learn that United trains its attendants to handle any number of wildly improbable situations, like water landings. There’s even a smoky-cabin simulator dealie. Who knew?

It helps that United clearly invested more than a few minutes of thought in the creation and execution of the “Big Metal Bird” series. Rather than the expected approach - stick a gel-haired host in a studio-type setting and instruct him to feign interest as some or other person with a highly technical job unsuccessfully attempts to dumb down what he/she does for a living - United sets the videos at numerous sites (hangars, training facilities, etc.) and drops the viewer right in the center of the action. Too, the videos are packed with stats (United has 400 planes in the air at any given time - that seems like a lot) and feature plenty of cool little visual flourishes, like animation.

They also feature Fox Sports’ Katie Nolan. While I’m inherently suspicious of any personality who emits the “I’m just like you! Except a celebrity who’s nice-looking and on TV!” vibe, Nolan’s everywoman appeal is a perfect fit for the “Big Metal Bird” setting. Whether or not she was fed the questions she asks United personnel, Nolan comes across as genuinely interested in the answers. She radiates intelligence, even when the clips demand that she roll around with pandas or ham it up with considerably less charismatic co-hosts. Is that a subtle nod to Fletch in the maintenance video (“uh, the modulating span valve needs to move a little bit clockwise”)? I think it is! Every brand should aspire to get anywhere near its money’s worth from a hired spokesperson that United does from Nolan.

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