The New Coffin Nail Marketing: Join a Club Near You
The next to jump on the screw-your-health bandwagon is the steroid industry, which has announced plans to open sports-themed clubs across the nation consisting not of treadmills and free weights, but of reclining lounges outfitted with intravenous drips that deliver muscle-building anabolics to kids seeking to escape the 98-pound weakling social stigma of middle school. "No Sweat, No Workout, No Brainwave" will be the slogan over the entranceway of each lounge. So far, the club has lined up 3,256 professional athletes to make personal appearances.
The alcoholic beverage category has announced a series of drive-through bars where customers can pre-order a cocktail by cell phone and have it waiting at the pick-up window. The drive-up will have football-stadium-like padding to protect the cars of customers who are trying to complete their "frequent shitfaced" reward cards. As a public service, the industry has agreed to keep the drive-throughs within a hundred yards of elementary schools closed until after 3 p.m.
In California (where else?) a pizza chain is now offering various grades of marijuana as toppings on its 12-inch pies. "We had to stretch the definition of 'medical use' to include things like colds, hangovers, and skinned knees," says a spokesman for the chain. "But after all, we're in California, so it wasn't really hard to get done. We added it as a rider on a bill introduced to recall the governor."
Another group attracted by the example being set by the tobacco industry includes those with sexually transmitted diseases like AIDS, gonorrhea, chlamydia, herpes, and the clap. "The Use It and Lose It" is slated to open in three U.S. cities in April, hoping to attract men and women who figure, "What the hell, I already feel like Ben Hur's mother, anyway." The clubs will encourage sexual liaisons in dark, curtained cubicles while disco lights flash overhead, and old Donna Summer songs issue from the sound system. "We encourage no protection," says a spokesvixen for the clubs. "Mostly since our customers appear not to bother anyway."
A group of former seat holders on The New York Stock Exchange has announced plans for open markets in five major cities where patrons can exchange prescription medications. "Lucy In The Sky Exchanges" will enable those who have leftover OxyContin to trade it to others who might have leftover Vicodin or Demerol or something more mundane but still useful, like Adderall and Ritalin. "We are bringing order to a market where pricing doesn't always reflect fair value," says one of the founders. "Here, visitors can trade for what they feel their stuff is really worth, and not some random figure determined by 'the street' (not meaning, of course, our old street, but, you know, the real street.)."
Pedophiles-R-Us, a new personal club chain slated to open near private schools and military bases, is said by its backers to "cater to upscale clients who heretofore have been held up to public scorn for exercising their personal beliefs." Clearly, there is a market demand for what we offer, says a prospectus for the chain. Look at any state's registered sex offender Web site, and you will see that there are "plenty of NAMBLA members out there who will appreciate the privacy and intimacy our club can provide." The clubs say they hope to partner with civic organizations like the Boy Scouts on community service projects to help improve the image of their members.