• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, February 6, 2006

Scene: Crowded Friday post-work bar, Anywhere, USA.

Players: Youthful attractive male (YAM); youthful attractive female (YAF); surrounded by similar species.

YAM: Wow, really packed tonight, huh?

YAF: Yeah, really...

YAM: How's your drink? Need another?

YAF: No thanks, I'm good.

YAM: Looks like 7&7--is it?

YAF: Yeah! How'd you know?

YAM: Seagram's 7--love it, but try it with Jack sometimes.

YAF: Oh, okay.

YAM: Nice sweater.

YAF: Thanks, just got it.

YAM: Nordstrom? I know they have great sweaters...

YAF: Umm, no, got it online.

YAM: Like my watch?

YAF: Yeah, really nice...I guess.

YAM: Got it online at Ice.com, a fantastic price.

YAF: Hey! You're one of those buzz guys, aren't you?

YAM: Excuse me?

YAF: Yeah, the Jack, the sweater, the watch... you're one of those assholes who gets paid to talk up certain brands thinking I'll tell one of my friends and they'll tell someone else, right?

YAM: NO! I swear.

YAF: Bullshit. I've been coming to this bar for three years and you're the first guy to EVER ask me where I bought a sweater.

YAM: No way. I'm just making conversation.

YAF: Yeah, right, why don't you go make conversation somewhere else, you phony asshole.

YAM: Geez, I didn't mean anything....

YAF: Yeah, and I suppose it's just a matter of time before you show me that camera around your neck and your cell phone and that MP3 player on your belt, huh?

YAM: I'm a wired guy, so sue me!

YAF: Bite me!

YAM: Come on, I thought we had a moment there.

YAF: Maybe, but how can I trust anything that you say to me? For all I know, if you say something nice about my eyes...

YAM: They ARE lovely...

YAF: Uh, thanks...but maybe that's your way of starting to pitch Maybelline.

YAM: Sephora.

YAF: SEE! SEE! I knew it, you two-faced dipshit.

YAM: It was a joke, I swear. Where's your sense of humor?

YAF: Where's your sense of decency? Have you NO pride? I'd rather date a crack dealer than somebody trying to trick me into talking about their iPod!

YAM: Zen Micro.

YAF: God, you are relentless. Jump on the horse you came in on and hit the trail, pal.

YAM: Mazda MX-5.

YAF: Jesus, save me.

YAM: Kabbalah... new center just opened.

YAF: Where's the bouncer when you need one?

YAM: Bounce, great product, smell my shirt.

YAF: I may have to just kill myself.

YAM: Might I recommend the Remington 11-87 Sportsman?

YAF: (runs to bathroom screaming)

YAM: Don't forget to wash. Irish Spring is a good choice!