I like my dental floss to break into song at random intervals, my ketchup to dazzle me with its knowledge of paleontology and my napkins to be fluent in no fewer than three romance languages. Thus it stands to reason that I expect big things - spiritual things, wondrous things, common-humanity-affirming things - from my laundry detergent. Unfortunately, while my current brand has value as street currency, it does little to delight and galvanize me. All it does is de-funkify post-workout clothes that, were I blessed with a limitless supply of stretchy activewear, would either be burned or sent to ...
I've reached a point where my day-to-day existence has morphed into something out of a hammock catalog. Where I used to be all about fried food and sports-doing, I now spend my leisure hours in a state of constant vigilance against encroaching ear hair. Too, in order to function, I need naps as long as the afternoon is... well, long. Related: Is there anything more fulfilling than an afternoon nap? Friend, there is not. I wish I could take an afternoon nap right now. Too bad it's 9:20 a.m. I'll apply for a waiver.
If you ask me, there's nowhere near enough sex or wink-wink implied sex in brand videos nowadays. Don't agree? Check out the most recent batch of clips promoting diapers, inspection cameras or medical alert systems for seniors. Not a one features the daintily oiled torso of a modern-day he-Zeus, or a nubile, wild-eyed tart coming within a strand of double-stick tape of laying waste to our treasured obscenity statutes.
Here's a column I never thought I'd have to write: One in which I present the pros and cons of including malevolent clowns and aquatic hellscapes in brand videos for tea.