• by Jack Feuer , April 22, 2009

I don't know what the Republicans are smoking, but I want some. And if I were you, I'd get some, too.

The cavalcade of comedy that's the disloyal opposition in this incredible simulation of a real country is spawning an entire new opportunity for media planners and buyers, creative agencies looking for a new scam, and clients desperately searching for anything that will keep their braying boards off their backs.

It's morning for wedge marketing again in America.

Consider: George Will writes an entire column scolding us about wearing jeans.

Meghan hates Ann. And Laura.

Newt hates Rush.

Everybody hates Michael Steele. (He's black, you know.)

Joe the Plumber is a "journalist."

Up in the Red White North, the Moose Killer is so busy primping for 2012 that she forgot to run the state.

And, of course, tea bagging. Never mind the bollocks.

Oh, my brothers and sisters, was there ever a demo more worthy of hot pursuit? Engageable. Persuadable. Programmable. Certifiable. And brand loyal.

Consider the alternative. For all their digital geewhizery, urbanity and diversity, the Dems are a boring target market. Earnest. Inclusive. Sincere. Smug. Sleep-inducing.

And we have the advertising to prove it.

Where the fart jokes at? The misogyny? The hurtful stereotypes? The groin kicks, simulated sex and potty-mouth humor? Gone. Washed away. Obamummified.

This happens every time the liberals take over, except in the Sixties, and that was a drug-induced exception. In the Seventies, no one was allowed to be offensive, and everybody relied too much on research. Marketing was a no-fun zone -- until the actor brought the GOP back to power. (Advertising was a little too much fun in the Eighties, when every day was a snow day, if you get my drift.)

Remember the good old days when we were attacked -- and they told us to go shopping? Well, they're gone. The liberals are in charge -- and that means you damn well better make sure your multicultural adspend is up to code.

Now advertising has to be all responsible and shit. I mean, come on! This is America.

That's why the smart play is to target those crazy elephant lovers. You can get masses of them to show up anywhere, in costume even. It's easy to activate against this juicy demo: buy Drudge, football and Fox News. Boom. You've reached every one of the adorable little numbnuts.

It's easy to do creative aimed at them, too. Just run a spot that stars a D-cup Dallas Cowboy cheerleader winking at the camera and holding up a sign that reads "Fight Socialism! Log on to Carl'sjr.com and get $1 off our special anti-stimulus package: a burger, fries and semi-automatic!"

Experiential marketing? Piece of cake. Give 'em flags and tri-cornered hats and you're good to go.

So I say ditch the earnest communication channel plans. Forget the respectful creative approach. Get down and dirty with the fabulous fringe market.

I'm doing my part. I'm going to dress up like Aaron Burr and march down to my local mall, where I'll max out my credit cards and look for a pretty young thing from a Southern state who's interested in a tea party for two.