• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, March 11, 2010

Thanks to the Nielsen Company, we learn that the TV audience for the Winter Olympics was predominantly female, older and white (the new minority). By contrast, teens didn't watch as much nor did Hispanics, African-Americans, Asians or cowboys (if they can be synonymous with lower viewing in the Southwest.) And just what events turned on old white ladies?

Freestyle skiing, which includes men's and women's moguls competition, was the most popular Olympic sport on TV in the U.S. Downhill skiing was the second followed inexplicable by Luge (whose numbers were undoubtedly padded by those who watch NASCAR patiently waiting for spectacular collisions and ass-over-teakettle retribution.)

Having grown up predominantly in the South, where when cold weather descends we stay indoors drinking Jack and inbreeding until the thermometer hits 75 again, I am not a huge winter sports fan. But it is hard for me to believe that of all the stuff there was to watch in Vancouver that skiing over bumps in the snow was somehow more interesting than watching the U.S. run amok in hockey or trying to calculate the ROI on the Colbert Nation's 300K investment in the speed skating team. Downhill skiing I can understand because there are vast numbers of us who would watch Lindsey Vonn rake leaves or wash a car, especially since neither involves a helmet.

Luge is just plain stupid. If I wanted to go 90+ mile an hour without a 4,000-pound car surrounding me, I'd ride a motorcycle and pretend I was Steve McQueen making a Great Escape. Moreover, I'd be embarrassed to say that I spent the better part of my teen and party-hardy college years becoming an Olympic athlete, then having to tell girls in bars that no, I didn't skate or ski or snowboard -- rather, I laid down on a little sled and cried my eyes out for two minutes. Or pushed a sand-filled Tupperware dish across the ice hoping to get closer to a bull's-eye with the help of other guys with brooms.

That's why I liked the snow boarders. You couldn't help but think, man -- these guys train by getting high, turning up the iPod volume of Metallica and showing off for little kids. If they didn't win a medal, they probably made a great new supply connection for some exotic herb that is hard to find in Colorado, so "dude, we had a ballin' Olympics."

I think they should have given a medal to Stephen Colbert for singing "O Canada" to the tune of "The Star Spangled Banner."

Between the costumes, personalities and commentary, watching figure skating was way too emotionally exhausting. I felt like I had seen an entire season of "As the World Turns" crammed into a few hours.

No wonder teens, Hispanics, African-Americans, Asians and cowboys didn't watch as much. According to Nielsen they want to see steroid-enraged bodies collide, barbed wire-looking bicep tattoos, concussions, long arching passes to guys with outstretched arms running flat out toward an enemy end zone, and players smugly announcing they went to "THE University" (largely because they spent so little time in classrooms that they can't really recall exactly which university they passed through on the way to the NFL).

But all's well that ends well (unless you are a 21-year-old Georgian luger). Yesterday, Sidney Crosby got his glove and stick back and former Olympic cheat Marion Jones signed to play basketball with the WNBA's Tulsa Shock. Now we can turn our attention to more pressing matters like if the NCAA is going to expand March Madness to 96 teams and how Hispanic hurlers are going to pitch Los Angeles Angels center fielder Torii Hunter -- who, while discussing the number of African-Americans in the major leagues, called Latino players "impostors." Citius, Altius, Fortius.