• by Erik Sass , Staff Writer @eriksass1, December 17, 2013

Ah, it’s that time of year again: the air is crisp, snow is falling outside, and inside the fire is crackling. Yes, children, it’s time to get cozy and gather round with cups of cocoa, to hear stories about how cannibals are using technology to find people to eat.

What, something I said? It’s true you know: apparently it’s a thing in Germany -- the epicenter of all kinds of sadomasochistic weirdness -- where police have discovered online communities connecting cannibals and people who want to be murdered and eaten. In one case reported by Metro U.S., in November a 59-year-old businessman journeyed hundreds of miles to meet a police worker(!) who stabbed him to death then dismembered and ate part of the body. Dresden police chief Dieter Kroll stated: “The missing man had fantasized since his youth about being killed and eaten by another person.”

This most recent incident is reminiscent of the notorious case of Armin Meiwes, who famously arranged to meet, greet, and eat a young man in Germany in March 2001. But to be fair it’s not limited to Germany: police report the online cannibal (pro-canna?) communities have thousands of members around the world. Which makes sense: I mean nowadays it’s just so hard to meet new people who want to be simmered to perfection over a low heat.

One typical post found by Metro U.S. read: “Please send more info. height/weight/physical condition. plus any serving requirements. photos front/rear might be helpful. plus idea for disappearing without attention.” Say what you want about cannibals, but you can’t deny they’re considerate: who wants to be battered and deep-fried when you could be served vichyssoise?

As you might expect, there are a lot of people who join the forums but don’t actually act on their fantasy because, well, it’s absolutely bat-shit crazy. One site administrator interviewed by Metro was reassuring about the 55,000 members of his forum: “The vast majority are imaginary fetishists.” He estimated that only 0.5% are “serious” cannibals, so that’s just like, what, 275 folks who actually eat folks? Nothing to worry yourself about!

Happy holidays everyone!