• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, January 23, 2014

Word on the street is that among the better-known shills to be featured in Super Bowl commercials are Scarlett Johansson, Ben Kingsley, David Beckham, Laurence Fishburne, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Stephen Colbert, Don Cheadle, Jason Alexander and Jerry Seinfeld, along with “Seinfeld” co-creator Larry David, the stars of “Full House” Dave Coulier, John Stamos and Bob Saget... and the Muppets. I am sure this is not a complete list since some brands (although not many anymore) like to save some surprises for the big game.

Fox Sports is getting an average of around $4 million per 30-second spot, a number so ridiculous that most folks think it's the entire cost of the ad. Forgotten are the development and  production costs and what marketers have to pay the shills to associate their mugs with products they may or may not have any real affinity for in real life.  Frankly, I have never bought anything because an actor or an athlete lent their names to it. I tend to think that as a whole, they are among the most uninformed humans on the planet.

So just who might I trust to sell me a six pack of beer or a new set of tires during the Whoops-Guess-This-Wasn't-Such-A-Good-Idea-In-February-After-All Bowl?

Chris Christie: Stand-up guy, keeps the little people in mind, would never recommend something unnecessary. Food from inaugural bash (canceled because of snow) went to people in need. Never vindictive, always tells the tru... never mind.

Google: Love the do-no-evil meme, love that I can see my house from space, best spell-checker ever. Guarantees me that my data is anonym... never mind.

PopeFrancis: Stand up-guy, would never recommend something unnecessary. Has a nose for a bargain. Eschews conspicuous consumption. Keeps the little guys in min... never mind.

Web Publishers: Stand-up guys, help keep content free by selling advertising, well aware that much of their traffic is fake, but love the numbers because they can charge more for more eyeballs. Have been totally transparent about how ads perfor... never mind.

New York Times: Sets the standard for journalism, covers everything from cooking to killing, from movies to mobsters. If you can't trust them, whom can you trust? Would never stoop to native advert... never mind.

Barack Obama: Stand-up guy, gave everybody access to health care (well, sort of), killed Osama and dropped drone missiles on lots of other bad guys (mostly), has been really open with the public about covert surveillan... never mind.

CBS News: The Tiffany Network, the one nobody ever got fired for buying ads on; the home of Edward R. Murrow, Douglas Edwards and Walter Cronkite, set the standards for TV news, would never run a false story on something really important like Benghaz... never mind.

Congress: Never mind.