• by Bob Garfield , Featured Columnist, August 18, 2014

“His brand DNA is all about authenticity.”  -- Lee Traupel, Business2Community, August 15, 2014

I know, right?

We at Smackeroo.com are all about authenticity as well. Authenticity and heroin. We are the disruptive serial entrepreneurs to first reach market with artisanal opiates (think: methadone on steroids, with a hint of fennel) merchandised through an empowered distributed network at scale.  We are crushing it.

Literally.

As thought leaders in the Schedule 1 controlled-substances space, Smackeroo.com’s sweet spot is technology-driven, best-in-class delivery in a law-enforcement-overwhelmed environment. Through our innovative, platform-agnostic Statute-Hack analytics, we have identified plenty of runway. In fact, we have identified 16 runways -- situated mainly in Louisiana, Texas and Nassau, Bahamas.

We will employ them as drone-ports, much as contemplated by our friends at Amazon.com, where innovation is in their DNA. Authentic and consumer-facing as we are, our DNA is composed mainly of nucleotides. Hence our company motto: “Let others ideate. We activate.” At the moment, several of our board of advisors are activating a bong while hashing over a Series A round. They keep talking about seed capital and burn rate, but in what context I am not sure. In addition, our Director of Cartel Relations is slow dancing by herself.

Or should I say, leaning in.

As you have no doubt noticed in the trade press, Smackeroo.com has arrived at an inflection point. This is a challenge we welcome. Rest assured, we remain laser focused on our partners in the pharma-dependent community. They constitute an unusually motivated cohort, who partner with us day after day, week after week, no matter their contemporaneous cash-flow circumstances. Cognizant of their immense brand loyalty, we have optimized our capacity to reach out on corners and similar non-virtual environments. And we have exploited their social graphs to establish valuable relationships in the lucrative burglar, inmate and corrections-officer communities.

Why am I sharing this information now? Well, every growing organization encounters some speed-bumps along the way. This is the case with Smackeroo.com as we near the end of Q3.

Currently we are seeking to fill two critical positions, for which no mere mortals need apply. We need a true rock star (Keith Richards?) for endorsement value/product testing. And we are in search of a ninja* developer. To be specific, we need him to develop an HR program, following an unfortunate incident in Q4 in which we advertised for a Change Agent and inadvertently brought on an undercover DEA agent. The candidate must be lean, nimble, Excel- and throwing-star-proficient and capable of digging large holes in the desert. Pending this key personnel upgrade, Smackeroo.com has been forced to pivot back into stealth mode. This update comes to you via a proxy server in occupied Ukraine.

At the end of the day, however, it’s all about the deliverables. Which is why Smackeroo.com is pleased to announce the acquisition -- for cash and assault weapons -- of poppycloud.com, a global leader in crack rack stack technology. In the words of Chief Inspiration Officer and Brutality Guru “The Turk,” the new Smackeroo will “Maximize ROI going forward. Or your family will die.”

*References required.