Commentary

P.R. Wild Pitches, Autumn Edition

This is fall, which means three things: The NFL is back, more corrupt than ever, Congress is useless (the other three seasons, too), and it’s time for the semiannual P.R. Wild Pitches. Publicity worst practices in all their autumnal glory!

The Garfield at Large team has spent months saving string, although we can’t take much credit. The heroes of this feature are the publicists who week in and week out send out press releases displaying a nearly majestic irrelevance to anything we do here in this column about media and marketing. The first comes courtesy of Nikko Lobato at the Madhatter Agency.


Hey there Bob,

I’m surprised it has never been done before: caffeine powder.

Comes in a salt shaker. One sprinkle on your food will give you the energy of a cup of coffee. Create energy pizza, burgers, whatever, and stay fueled for the late-night gaming sesh. For your help preparing for their upcoming crowdfund campaign, we'll send you a free CaffeinAll™ shaker or a pet lobster (whichever you prefer).

Will you pass up this opportunity to share caffeine powder with your readers? 
Thanks,
Nikko 

Hey there, Nikko --

Yes, I will pass up this opportunity. Thanks for alerting me to this charming product (do let me know when their nicotine ketchup comes out.) You can all be very proud of empowering consumers to put stimulants in unrestricted quantities on their food, because coffee, Mountain Dew, Red Bull and 5-Hour Energy drinks simply aren’t achieving the universal tachycardia the public demands. I also appreciate the bribe attempt. Not saying I don’t have my price, but it ain’t gonna be a lobster. Maybe you should consider a sesh on targeting. And another one on basic ethics.

*** 


This column is historically a bit thin in the area of international business deals forged by small consultancies in areas we have never covered because our readers have no interest in them. Nonetheless, the exciting announcements come pouring in. For those who aren’t actually scared out of their wits imagining the realization of the “Chinese Dream,” this one might be simply misdirected and self-serving:

RICHARD VORISEK ASSOCIATES (RVA), Announces Strategic Consulting Alliance in Mainland China with BLUE SPACE, EMCC, Ltd.

Implementing aspirations of the Chinese Dream critical to strategic expansion of businesses, brands, and opportunities for Chinese companies domestically and internationally

 

New York, New York, June 23, 2014 - Richard Vorisek Associates (RVA), a New York-based consulting firm specializing in global retail and brand development, today announced the signing of a long term strategic consulting alliance with BlueSpace Enterprise, Management, Consulting Company (EMCC), Ltd., based in Guangzhou with a branch office in Hangzhou.

 

To: Richard Vorisek and associates.

Mazel tov! Also: unsubscribe!

***

 

This alert from Scott Lorenz of Westwind Communications:

The Ethan Bortnick performance scheduled for the Palace Theatre in Syracuse has been rescheduled to the fall tour. The new date will be announced in the coming weeks. 

Thank you
.

No, Scott, thank you. When this arrived, granted, I had no idea who Ethan Bortnick was. Imagine my embarrassment to discover his is a teen piano prodigy. Right in my wheelhouse!  Rest assured, I’ll be in Syracuse for the rescheduled performance. If you’ll send me tickets, I’ll send you a pet lobster or a shaker of drugs.

Yours,

Bob

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1 comment about "P.R. Wild Pitches, Autumn Edition".
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  1. Nina Lentini from MediaPost Communications, September 29, 2014 at 9:16 a.m.

    Hilarious and spot on. How I long to respond in kind to so many of the emails I get. A colossal waste of time!

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