• by Erik Sass , Staff Writer @eriksass1, November 9, 2015

The closest approximation of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue for women, as near as I can ascertain, is the multiplatform annual hunkfest known as People magazine’s “Sexiest Man Alive” feature.

This ceremonial performance of gendered public sexuality, inviting all who are willing (and even those who aren’t) to contemplate male beauty and the female gaze, is now approaching its 30^th anniversary, and People  is celebrating in suitable fashion. This includes, among other things, a live on-air announcement of the 2015 honoree on Jimmy Kimmel Live on November 17, a primetime special on Lifetime, a sexy bitmoji with matching hashtag #SexiestBitmojiAlive, and a "Sexiest Men of Tinder" promotional partnership, which frankly just sounds like trouble.

No one knows who the 30^th annual Sexiest Man Alive will be, of course. That’s part of the ritual, providing the publication of the print issue with something of the suspense of an award show or a “big reveal” for an Apple product. Except, you know, with hot guys instead of cool gadgets.

That gives people a chance to speculate beforehand, and debate the choice afterwards, both amplified by the rise of social media. This year People is also running an amusing series, asking past picks who they favor for the top honor (suggestions including Anthony Hopkins and the Pope).

Whoever it is, count on lots of seductive stares, languorous leaning, and, yes, shirtless pics galore, as People takes the opportunity to round up all the other celebrity Adonises (Adones?) in a orgy of unapologetic ogling.

Indeed, following Burt Reynold’s famous centerfold in Cosmopolitan in 1972, and a well-received picture of Robert Redford’s posterior on the cover of Ms. In 1975, the launch of the Sexiest Man Alive franchise in 1985 was another big step toward bringing straight female (and perhaps covertly, gay male) sexuality into the open .

It paved the way for BuzzFeed, which now publishes a regular weekly “Hot Guy” newsletter.

True, there’s a healthy dose of subjectivity, not to say absurdity, involved in the whole exercise. For one thing, just because People has bestowed the title doesn’t make it so, and a lot of the choices seem to have something to do with movie release dates and TV ratings. Let’s just consider the historical record, shall we?

The SMA kicked off in 1985 with Mel Gibson, then achieving fame as the star of “Road Warrior” and “Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome,” and not yet famous as a drunken bigot. 1986 was a bit of a curve ball with Mark Harmon, the star of “St. Elsewhere,” followed in 1987 by Harry Hamlin of “L.A. Law.” 

I guess both choices going to show that the 1980s were indeed a strange, somewhat smarmy time.

1988 brought us JFK Jr., fated to die tragically in a plane crash in 1999. Sean Connery graced the cover in 1989, at the age of 60, and went on to be named “Sexiest Man of the Century,” which seems unfair to Rudolf Valentino.

Moving on to the next decade, 1990 brought us Tom Cruise, riding high on “Top Gun” and not yet rudely trampling Oprah’s couch. 1991’s SMA was Patrick Swayze, of “Dirty Dancing” and “Ghost” fame, sporting feathered golden locks. Then we come to 1992 and, um… Nick Nolte? Because “Prince of Tides”? Sure, I guess.

In 1993, People mixed it up with the “Sexiest Couple Alive,” bestowed on Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford, who divorced two years later. 1994 was Brad Pitt, fresh off “Interview with the Vampire” and “Legends of the Fall” -- fair enough.

In 1995, Denzel Washington became the first (and only) African-American named Sexiest Man Alive. 1997 was George Clooney, smiling smugly as he contemplated his successful turn in 1998’s critically acclaimed “The Thin Red Line” — and maybe not so much 1997’s “Batman & Robin,” otherwise known as “Best Forgotten.”

1998’s SMA went, perhaps belatedly, to Harrison Ford. 1999 was a retread with Richard Gere, as was 2000 with Brad Pitt, suggesting that the sexy well was running dry as the millennium approached.

2001 brought new blood with a new James Bond star, Pierce Brosnan, followed in 2002 by Ben Affleck, fresh from “The Third Wheel” and hard at work on his masterpiece, “Gigli.” 2003 was Johnny Depp, starring for the first time in “Pirates of the Caribbean.”

2004 was Jude Law, then starring in “Alfie,” which just reminded everyone that Sexiest Man Alive had snubbed Michael Caine. 2005 was Matthew McConaughey, who still hadn’t decided to be a good actor, as abundantly demonstrated by that year’s “Sahara” (don’t ask, just… don’t).

2006 was another retread, as George Clooney graced the cover again, underlining the urgent need for America’s celebrity industry to tap into new sources of hotness. 2007 was Matt Damon, looking oddly sweaty and not really that sexy at all.

2008 was Hugh Jackman, an accomplished Broadway actor who earned fame as a mutant wolfman with a hot bod. 2009 was yet another repeat with Johnny Depp, starring in yet another “Pirates” film, showing that People’s editors are indeed a match for Hollywood when it comes to creativity and imagination.

On to a new decade! 2010 brought Ryan Reynolds, a respectable if workmanlike choice, as might also be said of 2011’s SMA, Bradley Cooper and 2012, Channing Tatum.

2013 brought the only musician in SMA history, Adam Levine, but in 2014, we were back to actors with Chris Hemsworth. My guess for this year: Idris Elba, who would be only the second African-American (or indeed non-white celeb) in the history of the SMA. We’ll have to wait until November 17 to find out!