Oh, my goodness. I have the most splendid news to share. It’s about the Ruffed Grouse Society.
You know…the society of and by "grouse and woodcock hunters who support national scientific conservation and management efforts to ensure the future of the species." (Because, obviously, if you don’t have a thriving population of grouse and woodcock, you can’t shoot them dead with shotguns.)
But I stray from my point. The news is that the Ruffed Grouse Society supports the Gordon Gullion data recovery project, which as you know aims to collate and preserve the work of the late Ruffed Grouse expert Gordon Gullion. What you did not know -- surely it was news to me -- was that RGS members raised $70,000 for the recovery effort.
Yes, it rocked my world, too, when it landed in my inbox. This has partly to do with me not really being on the gamebird-habitat-data beat, instead more or less fixating on media and marketing for the past few, you know, decades. But through the miracle of incompetent public relations work, someone saw fit to keep me abreast of the Ruffed Grouse situation.
Now, this one time, it worked very well for everyone. My forthcoming book, Fuck the Media -- What Happened to All of Paul Gulllion’s Grouse and Woodcock Data?, will be published by Simon & Schuster in early fall and for Christmas 2017 Paramount will release Gamebird, about a preeminent ornithologist coming out of retirement for one last gamebird-population study only to be sucked into a vortex of unforeseen woodcock-related anomalies.
But otherwise, it could have been a waste of time and effort for all involved. Indeed, since I last weighed in last fall to shame careless and the clueless publicists for indiscriminate nuisance pitching for the brands they’re charging clients to build, I’ve also received these huge, highly targeted scoops:
Red Mango® Frozen Yogurt Teams with Aramark to Expand K-12 Program To North Texas Middle Schools
Shalyn Dever Named an Orlando Business Journal 2015 40 Under 40 Honoree
The Pearland Crawfish Festival Moves to MSR Houston Motor Speedway
New Prostate Biopsy Technique May Eliminate Post-Biopsy Infection Rate
Don’t get me wrong. Like anyone else, I’d like post-prostate-biopsy infections to decline. Some of my best friends have prostates. Why, I have a prostate myself. But once again, those who pay firms like San Francisco’s Meltwater (to impress “influencers” like me through its miraculous application of data) better understand that their lists are corrupted with useless contacts like mine. The Meltwater emails arrive from a possibly nonexistent “Scott Melville,” which wouldn’t bear mentioning except that his supposed email address is Smelville.” Yeah, that about says it. Another Meltwater customer, Chatter Buzz Media, Orlando, if it had given the most perfunctory sniff test of its data purchase should know that the only reason I would write about 40-under-40 honoree Shalyn Dever is to make an example of her.
Again, ordinarily, I wouldn’t even do that. Why embarrass poor Shalyn for the haphazardness of the p.r. effort on her behalf? Except that she is the founder of Chatter Buzz Media.
Oy, vey. So many Meltwater customers, so much mis-targeted information. Like Hot Ice Media of Calabasas, Ca.
Winter Wellness Idea: Authentic New Zealand Manuka Honey (And Some Are Not The Real Deal!) A Must-Have First Aid Option For Many Consumers
Man, I hope Ad Age and The Wall Street Journal don’t beat me on the counterfeit New Zealand Manuka Honey story. That would be humiliating, since Peter Berk of Hot Ice went all the way to Smelville to get it in front of me.
Wait. Stand by. This just in: we have…a BRIDAL GIFT GUIDE ALERT!
BRIDAL GIFT GUIDE ALERT
Luxurious Gifts for Groomsmen:
Credit Card Holders by H.L. James
Seriously, if you were thinking that a hand-made gift, crafted of the finest luxury materials, would not make the perfect statement of thanks to your groomsmen, such as the luxury alligator skin credit card holders by H.L. James, you were incorrect. This press release informs us that a hand-made gift, crafted of the finest luxury materials, would indeed make the perfect statement of thanks to your groomsmen. Again, that bombshell doesn’t strictly speaking fit into the future-of-marketing-and-media niche I’ve cultivated over 35 years, but Ana Martins Communications of New York City deemed it worthy of spamming me on, so I’m wiping the spam off my finger and wiping it on you.
Don’t worry. I’ve got an inexhaustible supply:
Medical World Americas Opens Registration for 2016 Conference & Expo
Leading Wheelchair Van Dealer Introduces New Brand
Associa Partners with New Jersey’s Community Management Corporation
Watch Brands Will Unveil Groundbreaking New Timepieces
at WatchTime New York
Hey, p.r. professionals, far be it from me to tell you how best to do your job, how best to serve your clients and how best not to make the media component of “earned media” block your emails permanently. But here’s maybe a sort of rule of thumb. When you put a headline on a press release, and you send it to a journalist, ask yourself: “Is there a single word of this he will understand?”
Simplilearn & EXIN partner to bring live online Gamified training to prepare Next-Gen Scrum Masters
As a mere first-generation scrum master, frankly, I’m at a loss.