Commentary

Virtual Reality

In yet another panic-stricken effort to help advertisers deal with broadcast ratings erosion and DVRs that enable viewers to skip commercials, the TV arm of Warner Bros. is now working with a company that inserts virtual products into shows already filmed and in the can.

Whenever Warner's sitcoms have at least six seconds of video--such as shots of kitchen counters, desks, or coffee tables--or feature characters holding unbranded products, a pay-for-placement product can appear--one that wasn't even on the set.

As abhorrent as this will sound to the great unwashed masses, I can think of lots of cool applications for after-the-fact virtual video placements.

The Auction-based Switcheroo: TV operations at any level from local to cable to network can open auction-style bidding to insert different products as the shows pass through en route to the viewer. Why should Warner Brothers have all the fun? Surely there is a finite inventory of six-straight-seconds-of-otherwise-meaningless-background--why not wrench the most money out of whoever wants most earnestly to have THEIR cereal box in the shot?

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The I-Never-Liked-That-Guy-Sub: Commercials are famous for starring particularly annoying characters (something about remembering the brand that Mr. Whipple squeezed, we're told). Dump them. Instead of that weenie who takes the girl's forgotten knit ski cap ALL THE WAY up the mountain and doesn't even get a kiss for his efforts, let's virtually install Snoop Dog, who will show that bee-otch what gratitude is really about. Word.

Get Real: Tired of all those prescription drug commercials that don't give you even a hint of what they are for? Let's add a little virtual reaction to the drug. Should take those ED spots to uh, a whole new level.

Talking at the Spots: How funny is that program where ne'er-do-wells crack wise at B-movies? Why not insert virtual characters to react to all the inane situations--like, instead of just smiling and effortlessly mopping up when junior spills his milk, a virtual someone could smack him upside the head and tell him that he if can't handle a glass, he's going back to sippy cups? Or have a Marine recruiter scoop up all those guys on sofas in beer commercials and send them to Paris Island for about 8 weeks of basic?

The Counter-Punch Alternative: Just as the happy person is about to climb into the featured car, why not virtually insert a competitive brand blocking the driveway or the intersection, just to piss off the driver--so instead of the usual near-orgasmic driving experience, he's flipping the bird and screaming expletives at the other driver? You know, kind of like the way the rest of us really drive.

The Whoopee Cushion Effect: Insert virtual products that are the opposite of what the characters think they are consuming. For example, instead of teen silhouettes grooving to JET, why not to the Boston Pops? Or instead of pop singers scarfing down sodas, why not one of those gritty-tasting laxatives? Should make for some interesting endings.

Role Reversal: Instead of Dad's always being the family idiot, why not insert virtual footage of grateful kids and wives? Or overweight kids ordering from fast food counters? Or oversized women wearing the latest fashions? Or emaciated, pissed-off old folks taking those OTC painkillers? You know, like the rest of us live.

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