Commentary
Smooverly: Investor Deck
- by Bob Garfield , Featured Columnist, April 25, 2016
News Item: Smooverly of Menlo Park, Ca., closes $57 million Series B round. TwistOff Cap, San Francisco, and Venturism, Palo Alto led the round, earmarked for platform development, energy drinks.
[Slide 1]
Welcome to Smooverly. The first publishing platform to combine real-time video, an engaged millennial audience, key influencers with unprecedented social reach and personal biometrics.
[Slide 2}
The Power of Smoove! Millennials do not email, text or speak on the phone. But they do continue to communicate, mainly through initials, and demonstrate rudimentary learning. How to capture them “where they live” and “squeeze some value out of them somehow?”
[Slide 3]
This is some sort of chart.
[Slide 4]
This is some sort of graph.
[Slide 5]
Another chart. Note clip art.
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[Slide 6]
The Next Level. Photo of millennials. One white guy with knit cap. One white guy with extravagant beard. One African-American male (nerdy). One white female (hot). One Asian -- gender fluid -- with ironic t-shirt, earbuds. All are smiling as they brandish iPhones and busily smoo on Smooverly.
Text: Research shows millennials will refuse food and drink in order to update their social attachments with their geolocation, restaurant entrées, p.o.v. straight ahead, favorite stuff they do not own, other friends’ infinite flaws, celebrity gossip and the funniest videos ever ISYN. But now it’s time to take it to the next level.
[Slide 7]
Bodily Functions: The Final Frontier.
Image: pixilated dick pic.
Text: No information is too much information.
[Slide 8]
What’s in a Smoo?
A dick pic is a Smoo!
Poo is a Smoo.
Blood pressure is a Smoo.
Menstrual status is a Smoo.
Blood-alcohol level is a Smoo. (“Dude, I just killed three 40s.” “Yeah? Prove it! Smoove it!”)
[Slide 9]
Leveraging the Data Stack to Reach Out to Influencers for Hockey Stick KPIs Going Forward
Text: Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Aenean commodo ligula eget dolor. Aenean massa. Cum sociis natoque penatibus et magnis dis parturient montes, nascetur ridiculus mus. Donec quam felis, ultricies nec, pellentesque eu, pretium quis, sem.
[Slide 10]
Monetization Strategy
TBD
Bob Garfield, former editor at large for MediaPost, is a long-time public radio personality who currently hosts Booksmart Studios' "Bully Pulpit" podcast. A 30-plus-year commentator on media and marketing, he is co-host of public radio's Peabody Award-winning “On the Media” program; senior fellow at Wharton Future of Advertising Program, SEI Center for Advanced Studies in Management; founder of the Media Future Summit and author of five books.
This is "Awesome." I want to get in early... Where do I send my money.
Devolution. Another nail in the coffin.
During my time in Startup Land, it seemed that really smart investors would suddenly part with their money upon hearing words like "Big Data", so could you mention "Big Data Dump" somewhere in here?
Very funny, Bob, and, tragically, so accurate.
Right, Steve, but let's not forget that really sexy one---"algorithm".
Bob. Of all your articles in recent months this might simply be the best. Drop the mic.
You have redeemed Monday. Bravo.
A great big YUK! and so Right On! brings tears (and laughter) to my eyes.
Perfect.. thanks for this. Love it.
PS. Someone please block the comment spammer Brad Berger please?
Oh, not just yet...I'm entertaining myself by turning it into a series of power point slides....
Great article. It made the 30 minutes it takes me every morning to tie the laces on my DMs in skin-tight jeans just fly by.
I'm working on the next gamechanger ... the Big Algorithm. Anyone in?
To count as truly "big", John, you must have at least one million distinct variables in your model. A mere 40,000 just wont cut it.
Bob, you need an "Unfair Advantage". You are absolutely required, no exceptions, to have an "Unfair Advantage"! Wait - I have it, a copywrighted song: "Guys smoo it, Gals smoo it, even Transgens out in Queens smoo it..."
#PooIsASmoo is trending.
Good point Ed.
I've slaved all night, and added around half a million variables and 200,000 lines of code.
At this rate it will be ready tomorrow.