Freedom Isn't Free -- It's $8.99 A Jug

"Budweiser has always strived to embody America in a bottle, and we're honored to salute this great nation where our beer has been passionately brewed for the past 140 years."

                  -Anheuser-Busch Vice President Ricardo Marques explains renaming of Budweiser beer “America”

Sometime this summer, when a drunk in an F-150 kills pedestrians after swilling down a 12-pack of America, cynics will question the wisdom of naming a beer after our country. Even the saloon bathroom will be a bit, shall we say, awkward -- as all that America hits the porcelain with a vengeance. But come on -- that’s just thinking small.

Branding-wise, this is just the beginning. Inevitably, the bold rechristening of the quintessential American beer will persuade other familiar brands to adopt new identities as they too strive both to remain culturally relevant and leech off the goodwill of popular institutions, personalities and even states of being. Here are tomorrow's news capsules today:



Miller Light is now “The Western Hemisphere!” “Any brand can claim synonymousness with a single nation,” said Leroy M. Cunningham, vice president of engagement, Miller Brewing Co. “We stand for an entire half of the globe, not counting Cuba, although that could change, too, barring a cruise ship Trojan Horse or something too Bay of Pigs-ish.” New slogan: ‘Tastes Great! Monroe Doctrine!’”

Ultra Downy April Fresh is now “Freedom!” What is worse than authoritarianism, tyranny and slavery? Static cling is worse, because neither Putin nor Ayatollah Khomeini nor Kim Jong-un cause your skirt to be drawn annoyingly to your hosiery. “Freedom” frees you from the static gulag, and April fresh, too!

Certs is now “Yemen!” It’s impoverished. It’s violent. It’s impoverished. It’s violent. It’s impoverished and violent!

Google is now “God!” At long last, a name to match the vastness of its influence. The search engine formerly known as “Google” is all knowing, all powerful and everywhere around us. We call on it for life-and-death matters and also the most trivial. Thousands die in a typhoon? Children conscripted as militant warriors? This is Google’s will.   

Lindor Milk Chocolate Truffles are now “Orgasms!”  “While millions around the world have enjoyed sublime sweet and creamy goodness of Lindor,“ said spokesperson Karyn DuPlasse-Murphy of Lindt USA, “we believe we have undersold the bliss of the experience.“ Never tried Lindor? Come come. 

Molson Beer and Dos Equis are merging. Now they are NAFTA! America? Big deal. We are two beers of North America, now joined as one. Give us your money and the jobs; we’ll supply the cerveza, eh?

World Wrestling Enterprises is now “Stupidity.” WWE has always strived to embody America in a ring, and we're honored to salute all that is simple-minded, adolescent and credulous with moronic spectacle that has transfixed single-celled organisms for decades. This is more than just low-brow. It is the apotheosis of stupid.

Sam Adams is now the “Milky Way Galaxy!” 

Orgasm is now “Lindor Milk Chocolate Truffles!”  “It was just time to recognize what we aspire to,” said L. Jennings Davenport, senior vice president for brand initiatives at The Orgasm Institute. “How to improve on four seconds of ecstasy? Here’s how:  no messy cleanup or tedious hugging afterwards.”

BlackBerry is now “Trump!” “Yes, we’re are objectively crap,” said Chief Relevance Officer Emanuela MacDougal. “but we think we’ve found a way for that not to matter.”

3 comments about "Freedom Isn't Free -- It's $8.99 A Jug".
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  1. Jonathan Hutter from Northern Light Health, May 16, 2016 at 10:10 a.m.

    Freedom's just another word for nothing else to drink.

  2. Ken Kurtz from creative license, May 16, 2016 at 11:42 a.m.

    I like that you attach the "drugging" to the "drinking" with "Sometime this summer, when a drunk in an F-150 kills pedestrians after swilling down a 12-pack of America, cynics will question the wisdom of naming a beer after our country."

    Fact is, alcohol is our great country's most debilitating, dangerous and deadly recreational drug. It kills more Americans every year than all other recreational drugs combined (including heroin, cocaine, meth, weed, and prescription opiates... ALL OTHERS combined).

    Part of the reason alcohol is by far the deadliest drug is its branding (the very innocuous "drinking" when "I'm going 'drugging' is far more truthful when somebody is on their way to ingest alcohol). "Drinking" sounds so innocent, doesn't it, especially when we humans can only live about three days without drinking water. 

    Let's re-brand "drinking" and call it what it really is... "DRUGGING." 90 Americans die every day in this country as a result of alcohol ingestion... 3 times as many as die each day from guns. Perhaps we should "re-brand" guns too...


  3. Paula Lynn from Who Else Unlimited, June 11, 2016 at 1:32 p.m.

    Late Night. You belong on late night and take some of your commentators, like Kenny Kurtz with you. I can picture your schick. And you are needed.

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