• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, October 11, 2018

Thanks to this MediaPost story (or perhaps a 19th-century spirit living in my house who can move my desktop mouse with its ghostly walking stick) I’ve discovered there is a website where you can sign up for online sessions with psychics. 

I realize you might misread that as "psychotics" — and you would not be far off, but no, we are talking about folks who claim they can provide clairvoyant insight into love and relationships, family and friends, career, financials, spiritual and/or past lives, etc.

That they just don't spend time at OTB making millions off sports betting or tableside at casinos picking winning roulette spins has always been a mystery to me.  But their "pitch" profiles would have you believe they are only interested in helping you resolve your problems and not amassing wealth by forecasting market moves or winning lottery numbers. To each his own.

While I am sure there is much I can learn about being a better father, husband, brother or friend, I am unfortunately for the psychotics — no sorry, the psychics — one of those rare individuals who is pretty happy with who I am, and do not need help from the netherworld to rebalance my life.

That does not mean I don't have questions — lots of questions — that perhaps only an online psychic can answer:

If you had everything, where would you put it? (Sorry, stole that from Steven Wright).

Since I allow online entities to track me (mostly because I can't figure how to make them stop) why don't I get the promised “in-market" ads?  And why am I only retargeted ads for stuff I looked at but decided not to buy? Aren't we more than 20 years into this effort?

Which OTT services should I buy to assure the least amount of overlap in program offerings at the lowest possible price?  Has someone built that algorithm yet?

Why isn't Stuart Elliott writing this?

How many hours in the day do I need to set aside to assure I see all of the best programming being produced by TV and OTT entities vying for my eyeballs? How little sleep can you get by on?

Has anyone started a Fund Me account to assassinate Flo, the woman who sells insurance on TV commercials?  Include that goddamned Farmers Insurance guy and the gecko, and I will double my contribution. Or should I just stop watching so many college football games?

It is really necessary for me to learn the circle of fifths to play "Will The Circle Be Unbroken?" on the piano?

When my wife asks me "Do you like this dress?,” is there even one correct answer?

If TV is dead, why am I spending five or six hours a night watching it?  Similarly, why am I reading three newspapers a day? (Yeah, I don't need a soothsayer to remind me of my demos, thank you very much.)

If I broke down and subscribed to dead-tree editions of magazines again, would they still pile up unread beside my bed?

When Google and Amazon become sovereign states, who will have the best army and space force?

Why, when I close my eyes and wish really hard, doesn't that Moron in the White House go straight to prison?

Perhaps a question only a paid psychic can answer.