• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, August 8, 2005

The other day I was at the grocery store, and guess what happened at the checkout? The cashier failed to ask me if it was okay for the store to send the data it collects from price scanning to grocery manufacturers and marketers. She didn't even mention that since I used my credit card to pay for the diet Snapple and Bear Naked Granola, it was possible to cross match my purchases with my personal identity. So I shot her with my special edition Colt .45 "Cookie Deleter" (full disclosure: only in the knee; she is expected to recover.)

Later, I was watching cable TV when an ad came on for a local florist; I mean one in my own little town of 18,000 people. This from a cable company with customers all over hell's half acre. So how did they know I lived near that florist? They never asked me, so I have to presume they used my street address or ZIP code in a package of others in the same area. Did they ask my permission first? Nope. So I plugged the cable box with my trusty "Cookie Deleter."

I recently refinanced my house at the beach in North Carolina. Since then, my mailbox has exploded from companies offering to give me a better rate than I got from Wells Fargo. I didn't tell anybody about the refinancing (except my wife, who is more worried about the renters carving up the new kitchen counter tops than the cost of money). The only solution--I drilled the postman with my "Cookie Deleter."

Around Christmas, I bought something from an offline catalog. Nobody from the company called me to ask if it was okay to sell my name and address, but since then I get about three new catalogs a month that I never requested (or wanted). So, naturally, I plugged the UPS guy in the foot with my "Cookie Deleter." He was pissed, but said he understood--since it was the eighth time he'd been shot by delivery customers. He gets to tell the kids on his route that he's been shot as many times as 50 Cent.

Last week, I was walking past this coffee shop when all of a sudden my cell phone text alert went off and I received a note saying that the coffee shop would give me a dollar off their usual price for iced tea if I walked right in. Hmmm--don't recall the mobile provider asking me if it was okay to send ads to my cell phone. So I did the right thing: I walked in the coffee shop and shot everyone behind the counter with my "Cookie Deleter."

I don't subscribe to very many magazines anymore. But one of them arrived last week with my name in an ad. Not just my first name, either. Where did that come from? I never told the magazine they could use my name in an ad. The next time some kid tries to sell me a subscription to support the PTA, guess what I'm doing to do with my "Cookie Deleter?"

Not 24 hours later, I got a mailing from the magazine asking me to consider visiting a nearby dealer and taking a test drive in a car advertised in their magazine. Did I somehow fail to check the box that said NO, YOU CAN'T SEND ME STUFF IN THE MAIL!? I was going to shoot the car salesman with my "Cookie Deleter," but other angry same-price-as-we-pay customers were already beating him with socket wrenches.

Now that I think about it, I am certain that I didn't give my newspaper or cable TV provider permission to put ads in the content for which I pay them a monthly subscription fee. What about all that junk mail I didn't ask for? What is that about? If they are going to require my permission to serve online ads, as suggested by certain well-meaning newspaper columnists, why shouldn't the same rules apply to offline?

You know, my "Cookie Deleter" could melt down before I'm through!