• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, September 12, 2005

America Online: "Hope you are having an AOL day, how can I help you?"

Unhappy User: "Uh, I'd like to cancel my account."

America Online: "Excuse me? What did you say?"

Unhappy User: "I said 'I want to cancel my account'."

America Online: "Sorry, the level on my AOL music setting is kinda loud. Did you say you want a broadband account?"

Unhappy User: "No. I want to quit using AOL."

America Online: "I know--me too, I LOVE the new look, it's so crisp and clean..."

Unhappy User: "Yes, it is an improvement, but nevertheless..."

America Online: "Where are you from? You have the faintest accent."

Unhappy User: "Well, I was born in North Carolina, but..." <

P> America Online: "Go TAR HEELS!"

Unhappy User: "Actually, I went to Duke...can we get back to the reason for my call?"

America Online: "Surely, which was what?"

Unhappy User: "I don't want to use AOL as my ISP anymore."

America Online: "Whoa, got any teenagers in the house?"

Unhappy User: "Well--yes, as a matter of fact, I have a 13-year-old daughter, but..."

America Online: "Call her on her cell phone."

Unhappy User: "How do you know..."

America Online: "They ALL have them. Call her and tell her you are going to shut down her IM account and trash her buddy list."

Unhappy User: "I don't think that's any of your busin....."

America Online: "Make the call!"

Unhappy User: (aside) "Hey, I'm on the other phone with AOL trying to cancel the account.....wait, slow down, I can't understand a word.....that may be so, but I AM the one paying for....Oh, please, you will too STILL have a social life....hey, hey--watch your language, young lady....! We will talk about this when you get home!"

America Online: "What's the verdict?"

Unhappy User: "Look, just cancel the goddamned account, OK?"

America Online: "Be happy too. May I ask you a few questions first--kind of an exit interview?"

Unhappy User: (sigh) "OK, if it will speed up this call..."

America Online: "Who built the MOST expensive office tower ever in America?"

Unhappy User: "How in the hell should I know?"

America Online: "We did!"

Unhappy User: "Bully for you, can you please cancel my..."

America Online: "NOT done yet... What was Steve Case's net worth when he left Time Warner/AOL?"

Unhappy User: "Jesus Christ, who cares?!"

America Online: "Give up?"

Unhappy User: "Yes, I give up."

America Online: "So, you'll stay a member?"

Unhappy User: "NO, NO, PUL-EZE take me off the list."

America Online: "One last question...do you know who Eliot Spitzer is?"

Unhappy User: (sobbing now) "I have no idea."

America Online: "Really--then you'll have to call back when there is a full moon, on an odd-numbered day between 2:14 am and 2:23 am in any month that doesn't end in R."

Unhappy User: "You're kidding!?"

America Online: "Go back and read the fine print in your user agreement."

Unhappy User: "Why don't I just jump off a bridge?"

America Online: "Always an option. Have a great AOL day!" (click)