• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, October 31, 2005

Sergey Brin and Larry Page, the post-pubescent founders of Google, announced yesterday that they are "tired of all the game-playing and speculation about their end game" and revealed that they outright own the copyright for the entire Internet.

"Everything else was just a smokescreen; a lucrative smokescreen, but just a little misdirection," said Page. As holders of the Internet copyright, Google will be able to do just whatever it wants, whenever it wants, with anything that moves online.

"We even slapped a few Bud Light ads on the Big Board at Cheyenne Mountain, just to freak out the guys at NORAD," said Page. "Interestingly a post-campaign report showed that sales to NORAD employees--well, yeah, we have all their PII data, including their credit cards--at convenience stores in Colorado Springs jumped 14 percent after the ads ran during an eight-hour shift."

"A long time ago, we won the copyright in a poker game with Vin Cerf and Tim Berners-Lee," said Brin. "You know, Vin is a Stanford grad and he and Tim took a boys' weekend to come down for a football game and hang out at the porch of the frat house and troll for Kappas and Tri-Delts. During the post-game keg party, we ate a bunch of hash brownies and started playing Texas hold 'em. Those guys are pretty smart, but hadn't been high for a while, and I think they underestimated the potency of our weed."

"Pretty soon they were singing really old, weird stuff like "Let the Sunshine In" and "Do Wah Diddy," and betting their butts off on hands they just couldn't win. After a while, they blew through all their cash and slapped the copyright on the table to cover Larry's bid. A full house later, we owned the Internet."

"They said their wives would KILL 'em if word got out, so we promised not to tell anybody," said Page. "So, we got the whole house together around a massive bong of sensimilla and laughed our asses off trying to come up with a cool name for a fake company. Serg was all jacked up about how much money we were going to make owning the Internet and after someone yelled 'billions,' then 'quadrillions,' one of the tech heads said: 'Dudes, think BIG--how about Google!'

"Everybody thought that was about the stupidest name they'd ever heard, but then someone showed up with a box of Krispy Kremes, and in the stampede, we stopped talking about the name and started focusing on the roundness of the donuts. So, since it was the last name picked, it stuck." Since winning the rights to the Internet, Google has developed a range of highly successful products including search word advertising, mapping, and scanning nearly every word ever written by anybody, anywhere, anytime about anything.

"Just killing time," said Page. "We told Vin and Tim we'd give them a few years of peace with their wives, so we invented all this nonsense which was based on a bunch of term papers we found under the bed of one of the graduate teaching assistants. Now that we've pissed off all the librarians and authors, we're going to hand the whole thing off to some frat brothers and maybe take a drive up the coast to an ashram or something."

The company is in the process of sending out invoices to 6.4 billion Internet companies, users, ISPs, bloggers, and downloaders that will tally up how much they owe the company for use of the Internet. The sum is said to exceed google.