• by Barry Friedman , Op-Ed Contributor, July 8, 2022

The fast-food industry spent approximately $4.5 billion on television ads in 2019 telling us where to go.  

(Your joke here.)

But what’s fascinating about that figure — it’s approximately what Americans spent actually eating fast food 50 years ago. 

Here’s how Eric Schlosser's Fast Food Nation begins:

“In 1970, Americans spent about $6 billion on fast food; in 2000, they spent more than $110 billion.”

Cooking at home is so 1970.

And if you’re curious why your acid reflux just kicked in, according to Smart Insights, we’re spending about $200 billion these days.

It’s amazing we’re not all pre-diabetic, gaseous, and 1400 pounds.

According to iSpot.tv, the top seven fast food television advertisers are Domino’s Pizza ($391.0 million), Taco Bell ($271.9 million), Subway ($254.4 million), Wendy’s ($210.6 million), McDonald’s ($200.9 million), Burger King ($193.9 million), and Pizza Hut ($146.3 million).

Which, stay with me, brings us to the cost of ranch dressing.

Recently, I was at Andolini’s Worldwide, a pizza restaurant in my hometown of Tulsa, Oklahoma, which has four locations and a food truck.

Worldwide? OK, the world is getting smaller. But this is ridiculous.

Anyway, after the meal, I got the check — and there it was: $1 charge for ranch dressing. 

I haven’t been this annoyed at a pizza chain, worldwide or local, since John Schnatter was incessantly and ubiquitously annoying me a few years back on television. If you remember, he was removed as CEO from the company he founded, Papa John’s, after some disparaging protesting NFL players and then quoting Colonel Sanders using the N-word to his company’s marketing team during a meeting designed — wait for it — to prevent public relations disasters. 

Oops.

He said his comments were taken out of context.

Who quotes Colonel Sanders? 

Papa John’s got rid of him faster than the Kardashians get rid of husbands.

The company bounced back quickly, though, redoing its TV spots to focus on employees, managers, and franchises rather than its doltish and smarmy ex-CEO. It worked, too. Papa John’s increased same-stores sales by more than 24 percent in 2020, which is particularly impressive since the increase occurred after it stopped being the official pizza of the NFL. Pizza Hut then took over from 2018-2021. Little Caesars will sponsor the league this upcoming season.

Sadly, they all charge for ranch, though — Papa John’s, $.60; Pizza Hut, $.70, and Little Caesars, $.59.

I should really let this go.

Or maybe I’ll just go eat somewhere else.

Maybe Sonic.

It spends $143.1 million on television ads and, according to Cheapism, is the most popular fast-food restaurant in the highest number of states.

It, alas, doesn’t charge for ranch.

Coincidence? I think not.