• by Karl Greenberg , Staff Writer, April 4, 2007

New York City's glass house, the Jacob Javitz Convention Center, becomes a car buff's big rock candy mountain for the next two weeks, as automakers use the New York International Auto Show to roll out the next and best.

The show, which runs through April 15, is reportedly the largest of the big four auto industry events (along with the Los Angeles show in the fall and the Detroit and Chicago shows in the winter). It attracts some 17,000 exhibitors and press types from around the world and some 1.2 million people during public days (Friday through April 15). Which matters a lot to automakers, but not to the fourth estate. The press care about exactly two things: day one and day two, which are called, strangely enough, Press Days. Yes, there's a day three but that's after the chocolate-covered coffee beans have largely run out, along with the press.

Press Days are where, between cattle runs across the mile long floor (well, it feels like a mile after the first six events and 65 pounds of press kits) we reporters drink endless shots of espresso at the booth of that famous Italian car-maker, Acura, before steeling ourselves for more disco music, strobe lights and unveilings of (please, choose from among these) bold, beautiful, sexy, cool, cutting-edge, sleek, aggressive, suave, youthful new ... marketing campaigns. Oh, and cars.

Lunch: this is a general note to press. Position yourself near the doors from which caterers' waiters enter and leave or you'll end up eating parsley. You have to be as aggressive as the latest Dodge sedan marketing plan if you plan on replacing electrolytes. And if you plan on maintaining your weight, avoid Chrysler Group because they are known for handing out Dove Bars for dessert. That's where you'll find me should you have diet queries.

As for the health conscious, go - appropriately - to Mini. There, young college students (as opposed, I guess, to old college students) will grind you up a fruit smoothie. Or they may grind you up into a smoothie, but you may have to pay for that. You'll have to go through the Chrysler area to get to it, so you might as well have the Dove Bar first, then wash it down with bubble tea from the Subaru stand, or is it Mitsubishi? Can't remember -- I'm usually in too much of a daze. Then stagger over to the Lexus, which offers back rubs and manicures in exchange for positive stories. When they start offering cosmetic surgery and lap dances I'll write whatever they want.

In the midst of all this, reporters will listen, raptly, with one ear to car execs' pitches, while listening with the other ear, raptly, to themselves making sweeping generalizations about what the show represents, and what it all says about the U.S. auto market. But, if you have had too many coffee-infused drinks or speed, you may also begin imagining you have also written a pop song about what the show says about the U.S. auto market and are singing it on "American Idol."

That said, the latest version of my desktop software offers clippable auto show themes to cut and paste into auto marketing stories. So, I've included a few to save us all the trouble of thinking: "Asian makes tout trucks and lux, while domestics are in flux"; "Small is beautiful, but large is indestructible"; "Automakers play water polo at New York Show: but nobody's winning," which is so profoundly meaningless you could probably get people to agree with it.

So, what will this show really be about? Tradition. You may ask, "How did this tradition get started?" I'll tell you. I don't know. But it's a tradition, and because of our traditions, every one of us knows who he is, and what God expects him to do. Wait, that's not me, that's Tevya from "Fiddler on the Roof." I have no idea how he got into this. What does he know about cars? A lot. Yes, Sholom Aleichem had a goat and a cart, but he also raced on the Indy circuit.

All right, I've met my deadline. Excuse me, I'm off for some bubble tea.