• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, February 8, 2008

Unholy alliances absent since the dawn of World War I are underway in reaction to the royal marriage of serial-groom Nicolas Sarkozy to Carla Bruni, Pirelli tire heiress and Italian plaything for aging rockers and bankrupt real estate magnates with big hair and ugly neckties. The union enjoins two nations with military penis-envy, which in the last century chalked up wins only against perennial cellar-dwellers like Albania, Ethiopia and Somalia but a obtenu leurs ânes remis à eux by Algeria, Indochina, and Greece -- prompting historians to note that Italian tanks "have four gears: one forward and three reverse" and that French rifles are sold as used because they have "been dropped only once." The Vatican is not part of the emerging Franco-Italian axis, since it is already in direct talks to be acquired by Google to offset the threat of a Microsoft-Yahoo merger.

Austria and Hungary are in talks with Germany and Turkey about a reunion of their 1914 engagement, but have not invited back former Central Power partner Bulgaria since, well, they are Bulgaria. The English are taking a "wait and get surprised again" attitude, while other Entente Powers, Russia and the U.S., have indicated uncharacteristically they'll "sit this one out." (Except of course for Dick Cheney, who wants to throw out the first pitch again.)

Analysts do not see this as a military conflict (ringrazi il dio, eh?), rather more of a realignment of economic interests. "Go to France or Italy, what's to buy?" says Isobel Stevens, vice president of curves at The American Enterprise Institute for Public Policy Research. "Some shoes maybe, some wine, postcards? Let's face it; the major asset of both countries is good-looking girls. Laetitia Casta. Aurelie Claudel. Jennifer Lamiraqui. Bianca Balti. Mariacarla Boscono. Together they can corner the markets on runway babes throwing sleazy, rich old men in neighboring countries into a panic that might spiral out of control. It would make Black Monday look like, well, um... some other day and some other color."

Already there is a hint of panic in some cities, with anorexic teen girls being offered ping-pong-ball-sized precious stones by geriatriccomplete strangers four to five decades their senior. In Vienna, the leather banquettes of chic after-hours clubs have been picked bare of fabulous-looking women with small breasts and even smaller waists. "It is unbelievable," says one University of Graz junior. "One minute you are talking to the girl of your dreams; you come back from a pee and she is engaged to The Minister of Trade and Commerce from Aix en Provence."

The reunited Central Powers have asked for an international ban on exports of EDS drugs to France and Italy and have initiated parliamentary procedures to raise the age to acquire a passport or visa to study in France or Italy to 39. "By then, who cares," said one high-ranking Turkish official, who asked to remain anonymous because his wife is 43.

Bono has declared French and Italian models "endangered species" and offered to set up an offshore sanctuary where the girls can escape and hang with Paul David and other unnamed Irish musicians. "It is the very least I can do," Bono told a crowded news conference where he announced that for every dollar spent on anything Blue Iris, he could feed and clothe a model for a month (maybe two, since they don't eat or wear much).

Unlike previous conflicts, there have been no problems mobilizing troops. In fact, officials along the Rhineland border with France have erected 20-foot-high fences to keep German soldiers from storming across the old Maginot Line in an attempt to find supermodels to rescue.

The United Nations has warned that a "supermodel gap" would only stoke already overheated passions and encouraged France and Italy to "share the wealth" with the rest of the world. As they have every time since 1945, both nations ignored the UN mandate. Bill Clinton has offered to mediate the dispute. So have Jimmy Carter, Jessie Jackson, George Mitchell, Al Sharpton, and every congressional representative of the male persuasion.

Tom Brady was set to lead a delegation to Paris and Rome in an effort to diffuse the rapidly deteriorating situation, but had too many bumps and bruises to go anywhere else but back to his own supermodel in Brooklyn.

 

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