Commentary

Madmen = Badmen?

Just in time for the holidays, a Gallup Poll was released this week on how the public views the honesty and ethics of 46 various professions. Nurses ranked first for the second year in a row, and car salesmen came in dead last. Coming in next to dead last: advertising practitioners, just below HMO Managers, insurance salesmen and Congressmen and--most bizarrely--well below bankers.

While the ad bidness routinely ranks near the bottom of this annual poll, one can't help wonder if Don Draper's stepping out on the incredibly hot Betty Draper hasn't somewhat contributed to our lowly score this annum.

There was the usual amount of self-flagellation throughout adland, some pointing to the premise of Seth Godin's latest tome, summarized in part by "...presenting stolid factual information about a product is a losing strategy. Instead, marketers should tell 'great stories' about their products that pander to consumers' self-regard and world view. Examples include expensive wine glasses that purport to improve the taste of wine, despite scientific proof to the contrary; Baby Einstein videotapes that are 'useless for babies but... satisfy a real desire for their parents'; and organic marketing schemes, which amount to 'telling ourselves a complex lie about food, the environment and the safety of our families.' Because consumers prefer fantasy to the truth, the marketer's duty is to be 'authentic' rather than honest, to 'live the lie, fully and completely' so that 'all the details line up'--that is, to make their falsehoods convincing rather than transparent."

So telling the truth is a losing proposition, huh? Let's try it and see:

[Scene opens on attractive young woman leaning against sparkling new auto with empty beach in background]

[Girl] Hi, my name is Joan. I am a professional talking head, paid a pretty substantial fee--including residuals each time this ad runs-- to appear to be nearly orgasmic about the car behind me. The fact is it's about 40 degrees here on Montauk and I am freezing my ass off as we do take after take because the director--who, by the way, keeps hitting on me every time I work for his agency--says I'm not "believable." I think he wants me to look seductive, as if to suggest that if you bought this car, I would come over to your house and let you have your way with me. But you and I know that will never happen, so let's see if the voiceover can convince you to buy this bucket.

[Camera slowly pans over car, pausing to emphasize details like the leather seats and GPS system]

[Disembodied voice] With your life savings slowly draining away, the fragging LAST thing you need right now is a new car. But unless you want to see us in Chapter 11 and the massive ripple it will put across an already beaten-down economy, you should at least think about it. Come on--who doesn't like the smell of a new car? You know your neighbors will turn green with envy--especially if their crate is even older than the one you're going to trade in. Forget the EPA gas mileage; you and I both know that unless you drive on frictionless stainless steel rollers, your MPG will be about two-thirds of what we put on the sticker.

Forget the 0 to 60 time and the size of the engine; this has nothing to do with your masculinity. This is about getting you to the grocery store and to your sister's while listening to a sound system so awesome that it will help you forget if a pigeon craps on the hood, it will be a minimum of $1,500 in repair costs (hey, we gotta make that zero percent financing back somehow).

Now I know that the commercials you saw last month said those were the lowest prices of the year, but they weren't, and neither is this price. You have a computer, do a little research, you can beat us down well below what we say in your "no hassle, very best price." We need to move inventory, like yesterday, so we are highly negotiable (but trust me when I tell you--we will still make money no matter how triumphant you feel driving off the lot.)

[Girl] Hi, Joan again. Forget that stiff, it is ALL about your masculinity. Look at my body. Look into my eyes. You want me, I can feel it. Buy the car, big boy.

[logo fills screen]

The story you have just read is an attempt to blend fact and fiction in a manner that provokes thought, and on a good day, merriment. It would be ill-advised to take any of it literally. Take it, rather, with the same humor with which it is intended. Cut and paste or link to it at your own peril.

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