Commentary
Details
- by March 9, 2006
And make mine mixed, because after all these years, I've finally found a magazine with the pitch-perfect neurotic voice for me.
Details is ostensibly for men, yes, and I am ostensibly a woman,yes, but but why can't we all get along? As with the Esquire of yore, I read it for the smart-ass writing. (It's also got really clever graphics.)
And hey, speaking of gender-neutral, Bloomingdale's is advertising ''Denim Day.'' You can get a special consultation with a ''denim doctor.''
Obviously, the service pieces are a bit different from typical women's fare, but helpful nonetheless: upfront, there's a tutorial for rumhounds (answering such questions as ''what's the difference between dark and light colored rums?'' Answer: light ones are good for sipping and mixing, and darks go with spice ginger beer.)
There's a profile of the (007) car of the moment-- the Aston Martin V-8 Vantage ($110,000) and, below it, a box offering cheaper "entry-level exotics.''
But why bother dreaming about those sorts of playthings when we can put our neuroses front and center? This is certainly the case with Jeff Gordinier's entertaining piece on male soap stars. He starts out profiling "All My Children"'s tall, dashing, blue-eyed Cameron Mathison with this: ''In Cameron Mathison's presence, you spout nose hairs and look really pale. The moment you see him... you have turned into Paul Giamatti.'' Way to go and make it all about yourself! Later on, we find out why the soap stars do it--the naked scenes, the coming back from all those comas, the reincarnations, the dressing in drag. It's got something to do with paying a mortgage.
The issue features Dr. McDreamy--Patrick Dempsey of "Gray's Anatomy"--on the cover. But even he is all about the insecurities. For so many years pre-"GA," he apparently was a washed-up straight-to-video '80s guy who thought he was ugly and untalented.
His wife explains that when they met, in 1995, ''He was just a lot less confident guy then. I mean, think about the rejection. How many times can you get rejected and kicked around?" Now that McDreamy's kicked in, he says ''very few guys get a shot in their late 30s. I'm a hunky guy now--how did that happen?'' But I guess the scrubs cover a lot. From the photo on the cover, he looks as thin and eating-disordered as his co-star, Ellen ''the Stick'' Pompeo.
But while we're marinating in the low-self-esteem derby, let's check in on our favorite self-loather. There's a timely piece on the recent Academy Awards host/cum "Daily Show" presenter titled "Why does Everyone Worship Jon Stewart?'' (Did he pose, or is that just a badly photoshopped vision of him as Moses with the Tablet?) Ian Spiegelman partly explains: "After two years of (Craig) Kilborn's macho arrogance, Stewart came on the scene like the neurotic-Jew Lysol, disinfecting our outsiders' clubhouse of the frat-boy stench.'' Another answer--Stewart is ahead of you in making fun of himself. (Indeed, as soon as he got back to the "Daily Show" desk, he made fun of his L.A. stint and basically said he sucked.) That and the fact that his popularity coincides with the Bush White House--the piece quotes someone saying, ''There was a particular need for someone who could voice contempt in a funny way.... Anytime Bush says anything off-the-cuff--[Stewart] can show the clip and make a face.''
Speaking of making faces (while jumping): courtesy of writer Mike Albo, the magazine presents the most ghastly, contrary, hard-to-take take on the Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes union ever cooked up: that they are actually in love! Albo claims that Tom merely ''has bad taste and unfortunately for him he has the power and money to realize every garish fantasy he has ever harbored.'' He maintains that "Cruise and his to-be-Mrs. may seem flawed, but ultimately they seem embarrassingly familiar, as opposed to the tight lipped and untouchable perfection that is Mr. and Mrs. Smith." (Well, Angelina Jolie was certainly out there in her last marriage, tattoos, vials of blood, and all, and got bashed for it. I can't believe how hard people are on her and Brad for her genuine do-gooding.) Albo continues re Brangelina: ''their airtight, Kofi-Annan approved union makes us feel like unevolved losers for eyeballing them.'' Hey, I'm the biggest unevolved loser around, but I don't feel that way. Give 'em a break! Back to Tom and Katie: they schlep around ''like winners on the Bachelor'' Albo says, which ''humanizes them.'' I do believe that Katie is sending S.O.S signals with her eyes. I wish we could save her.
Our favorite ex-alky, Augustin Burroughs, writes a piece about how he conquered his need to improve his boyfriends. (''They had to take me as I was, but they had to learn to chew in a new way.'') He started overhauling himself, and found that ''at the end of the day, when you've been hoisting around your own, internal two by fours, and rebuilding your joists, you really don't want to go fiddle with someone else's parts and pieces.'' Words to live by!
There's also a piece by Michael Chabon on how he learned to be a man at grad school (yes, grad school as Bar Mitzvah, a new genre.) He was cured of being ''a little shit'' by exposure to the skeptitude of grown women. Frankly, I'm tired of reading about him and his wife, Ayelet ''I love my husband more than my kids'' Waldman. Can't they work a few things out on their own, without the need to journal?
There is a most disturbing , stomach-churning piece on ''The New Eunuchs''--men who opt for voluntary castration. I could barely read it, and I don't even have a set.
But that's OK--cause I am sending away for the cream advertised in the back of the magazine that reduces ''serious dark circles.''
