"We are very much supportive of the family -- the biblical definition of the family unit. We are a family-owned business, a family-led business, and we are married to our first wives. We give God thanks for that.” -- Chick-fil-A president Dan Cathy, speaking to the Baptist Press.
"A growing number of the restaurant's supporters -- more than 325,000 so far -- are pledging to take part in Wednesday's Chick-fil-A Appreciation Day. August 1, 2012, launched by former presidential candidate Mike Huckabee on his radio show. -- Baptist Press
It was only four years ago to the day -- August 1, 2012 -- that the Great Culture Wars started. Fast-food companies inflamed the passions and imaginations of Americans the way no political party at the time could, bringing far-worse consequences for the country than anyone could have predicted.
Indeed, the shopworn distinctions between Republicans and Democrats faded away as the country quickly split into new, extreme, geographic and fast-food-based factions, known as the Chick-Fil-Atarians vs. The Starbuckaroonians.
The Filatarians, as they came to be known, amassed all over the Southeast, with the rallying cry of “Batter up!” floating the idea that the right kind of flour coating on fried chicken could “fry away the gay” and keep heteros with their original spouses. This so infuriated the Starbuckaroonians that they quickly spread their response, “Make foam, not hate speech,” through their respective Tumblr accounts, and the chaotic period known as the Great Three-Year Strife began.
Mobilizing quickly, arriving in Acuras, Priuses and on novelty bicycles, the ‘Buckeroonians set up vast WiFi laden camps from Portland, Oregon to Portland, Maine. With constant Josh Groban music piped into their sweeping outdoor spaces, followers set up a battery of tall, grande, or venti-sized tents. There they could escape to read their e-books, meditate, or listen to Maya Angelous tapes; at 4 p.m. each day, members collectively prepared nonfat no-whip Mochaccinos to go along with the miniature tarts and dried, peeled fruit snacks that quickly lost their appeal.
Meanwhile, the Filatarians were on the move in caravans of Harleys and late-model Ford and Chevy pickups. Some even resorted to riding giant mechanized recliners equipped with flat-screen TVs. While on the move, members tended to collect tattoos, novelty T-shirts, and stoneware from the Paula Deen collection, which they liked to shoot up with their rifles.
Each camp had a team dedicated to denouncing the other, with the Filatarians condemning their enemies as “ pretentious, bicoastal, overcaffeinated BlacBberry-carrying Quinoa eaters!”
The Starbuckaroonian responded with “It’s KEEN-WAH, idiot! But what can you expect from Cro-Magnons who like to ‘Eat Mor Chikin’ and tell others who they can and can’t marry?&rdquo
Meanwhile breakaway groups started threatening the power structures of the two dominant groups: Domino’s militia men arrived, and some of the refugees on both sides snuck in to huddle around their warming cases; the faction known as the Pinkberry people left for a new, light and healthy enclave in the East, while an association of Chipotle voters started its own collective in the Southwest, citing needs for organic choices and hot sauce.
Quoting scripture about the “flames of hell,” the self-identified Outback Steakhousewives said they missed “dining out” and didn’t want to live in camps any more.
At the same time, a human rights commission dubbed The Samsonites traveled between camps, checking on conditions.
Eventually the various campgrounds were flooded, frozen, or declared uninhabitable. UN Troops were called in. By then, however, with the European economies going down in flames, and half the U.S. population living in tent cities, all of the U.N. members had fallen behind in their dues. The global organization had to be reconstituted in favor of the new corporate nation states who could pay the bills, like the federation of Amazon/GE and the Republic of Apple, which attempted to revoke the membership of the Microsoft NGOs. The Exxon/Mobil Facebook nation meanwhile had lost its place on the Security Council because of machinations by Goldman-Sachs/Coca-Cola.
Eventually, the set of colonies known as the Berkshire-Hathaway Isles became the principal ruling body and built federal housing, hospitals, and schools, which slowly restored order to a country riven by opposing corporate ideologies and religion-based companies.
Moral of the story: What a waste all of this is. But if it teaches Dan Cathy a new bottom line -- the company stated on its Facebook page that in the future, “our intent is to leave the policy debate over same-sex marriage to the government and political arena” -- that’s a tiny victory for tolerance.