• by April 1, 2004

YOU READ IT HERE FIRST (MAYBE EVEN ALREADY) - Using the words "last straw" to describe Google's launch of "Gmail," a super-charged email system that can receive, store and retrieve a virtually unlimited number of messages transparently, at lightning speed and all for free, U.S. Postmaster General John E. Potter today unveiled plans for Tmail, a next generation messaging system that the U.S. government had been secretly developing in hopes of reestablishing the postal service's dominance in the market. Tmail, which was developed as part of a joint-agency task force that included the Central Intelligence Agency, the National Security Council and the Department of Defense, has been overseen by former Sun Microsystems chief scientist Bill Joy, and is based on a next generation computer modulation protocol that emulates telepathic thought.

"The irony is we knew Google was going to make their announcement today when we received an alert yesterday in our Tbox," sniffed Potter, during an early morning press briefing to a group of stunned reporters. "Tmail actually works faster than Gmail," he continued, "because it utilizes a precognitive algorithm that enables users to receive their messages before they are sent."

Potter went on to reveal postal service plans to go Google one better in its pricing model. "Google's only offering Gmail for free. Our plan is to pay people to use Tmail," he said, adding that the service would cause the postal service to overhaul its entire business model. "We've already gotten a nod from the Postal Rate Commission on this. To offset the costs of paying people for using first-class Tmail, we'll triple the rates for business class." Moments after Potter's remarks, a joint statement was released by the DMA, the MPA, Hallmark and the American Philatelic Society asserting, "We will fight this to the death."

"Actually, we've got that covered too," said Potter, who claimed Tmail had already alerted him to the missive from the bulk mailers and stamp collectors. "Death, I mean."

Asked by one reporter to explain, Potter would only allude to a "restructuring of the service's dead letter office" and jabbered something about "volume," "afterlife" and "a light at the end of the tunnel."

In fact, Potter said the applications of Tmail are so broad and encompassing that the postal service already is developing a version that would compete with overnight courier services, but he said the unit, which has been operating under the codename Federal Extrasensory Postal Service has been stymied over a potential branding issue. "Our ad agency, Campbell-Ewald, wanted us to abbreviate it to something that was easier 'on the air.' But all we could come up with was Fed-Ex," said Potter.

Potter said the postal service has already conferred with other government agencies and has even had conversations with key lawmakers about adding a provision to a new Do-Not-Spam Act. "We're calling it, the Do-Not-Even-Think-Of Spamming-Act," he said.

Meanwhile, Potter said the media industry would have plenty of time to react to the proposed new postal rates, which he said would not go into effect until 12:01 a.m., April 1, 2005.