• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, April 17, 2009

Earlier this week, eMarketer gathered a bunch of random reports on men and their internet use to conclude "Men spend more time online, conduct more searches on a daily basis and do not mind seeing ads. They are as engaged in social media as women are, and most are not put off by the companies and brands they find there." The e-blast to promote these breathtaking findings was provocatively entitled: Do You Know What Men Do Online?

Frankly I was disappointed not to read a 700-word expose (with links of course) on the most arousing porn sites, or shortcuts for tracking down "women in your community who are looking for a good time with no commitments." Or at the very least some good cheats for fantasy football or online games that feature an endless variety of ways to violently dispatch monsters or other men who are monstrously built.

What self respecting man is "as engaged in social media as women are?" Sure you have a Facebook page and a Twitter account so that everybody doesn't look at you like you have a third eye in the middle of your forehead (although if you have teenagers, you have a third eye no matter what you do or say). But unless you are a closet pedophile searching for revealing photos of your kid's school mates, you don't spend any measureable time writing on anybody else's wall or accepting invites to join this group or that group. Just because technology has made it easier and less painful to express your inner thoughts, doesn't mean that you should. We live in hard times, kemo sabe, we need more Gary Coopers and fewer Dr. Phils. Real men don't "share" or "verbalize" or "feel your pain." On or offline. Word.

As to the charge of "conduct(s) more searches on a daily basis" than women, we can only throw ourselves on the mercy of the court which we entreat to understand the time-consuming nature of trying multiple variations of "Lyla Garrity nude" to suss out the sites that claim to have such photos from the one insignificant blogger in Milwaukee who actually has one (however suspiciously out of focus it may be). Multiply that times Tyra Collette, Tami and Julie Taylor (clearly it is against the immutable laws of Texas football to sport anything smaller than a D cup) and you are talkin' some serious Google time.

Similarly, men spend longer online each day than women because it takes time to make certain that we don't end up in some Florida kitchen holding his putz talking to Chris Hansen on camera instead of to the expected 15-year-old who charmed us with "whatever." When aliens sift through the ashes of our civilization arguing with each other if we were an intelligent species, the debate will come to an abrupt halt when one plays the other a DVD of a guy in some Florida kitchen holding his putz talking to Chris Hansen on camera saying, "Oh yeah, I've seen your show."

Finally, eMarketer says "most (men) are not put off by the companies and brands they find" in social media. It is pretty hard to be put off by things you tend to ignore. After all, we have a lot of practice ignoring everything from the answer to "How was your day?" to "Don't forget cereal!" to "When are you going to turn off that goddamned computer and come to bed?"

The story you have just read is an attempt to blend fact and fiction in a manner that provokes thought, and on a good day, merriment. It would be ill-advised to take any of it literally. Take it, rather, with the same humor with which it is intended. Cut and paste or link to it at your own peril.