• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, June 25, 2010

In its American Time Use Survey, the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics says folks in this country with jobs worked an average of 7.5 hours on the days they worked in 2009. Since the findings are based on 13,100 interviews, we have to assume that mixed in with the burger flippers, grass cutters and street pavers, there were also some media buyers, app builders and chief revenue officers, none of whom spend any less than 12 hours a day working. Or at least they are at some sort of office for that long; how much actual work gets done is another statistic altogether.

It is entirely possible to kill 10 or 12 hours a day sitting at a desk and get absolutely nothing worthwhile done. And that was true before the Internet put porn, amateur video, eBay, Facebook and email a few distracting mouse clicks away. Here are my three favorite time-sucks in the workplace:

Meetings: Between walking to meetings, killing time getting a Diet Coke or talking about "True Blood," "Grey's Anatomy" or how much the French World Cup team sucked, waiting for all hands to show up and dialing in the branch offices and home offices (who are doing emails and expense reports as they pretend to listen), the first 25% of the meeting is wasted. The middle 50% is consumed by posturing, territory protecting, demeaning others departments in the subtlest possible way and recitations of achievements that no one else cares about. Sooner or later someone will insist on using a PowerPoint during which they will read the text line by line as if the rest of the room was somehow retarded (oops, sorry -- mentally challenged with special needs). This results in a mass clandestine checking of emails, mumbled jokes, and if the lights are dimmed, a catnap or three. The final quarter of the meeting is consumed by a long-winded pep talk from someone in authority that retraces ground covered by the same talk three weeks ago. Or worse still, by a group discussion that allows the other managers to opine about something you specialize in during which you have to appear grateful and somehow sublimate your rage. A successful meeting is one in which no subsequently calls are made to contract killers or headhunters. Feel free to ignore the summary email issued by the designated note taker. Everyone else will.

Team Building Outings: These are slated by companies with too much money in their HR budgets or because the CEO just read some has-been biz guru self-help book and wants to force feed the top line findings to the staff. You know you are doomed if the company has hired a comb-over trainer or "facilitator" to run the meeting. Don't be fooled by the little dishes of candy -- they will be of solace for less time than it takes to divide the staff into "teams" at which you might want to run a long blade into your abdominal cavity and save yourself another 8 hours of far more excruciating pain. If someone asks "What kind of car would you be?" or "What kind of animal are you most like?" eat BOTH of the Percocet now rather than saving one for after lunch. When the word "sensitivity" is uttered, it is perfectly acceptable to stick a finger down your throat and blame the reappearance of your breakfast on "the flu." If by the remotest of chances you actually learn something at one of these events, you will forget it within 35 hours. And that is being generous.

Calculating ROI: With the possible exception of speculating on which coworkers are hot in bed and which aren't, there is no perhaps no more mindless a pursuit in advertising than trying to calculate the return on the investment of your media spend. Every medium uses a different ridiculous "metric" to gauge impact from "time spent" to "conversion" to "brand lift" to the ever-vague and amorphous "engagement." There is not an ad network or Web site or DSP or XYZ that doesn't claim to do a better job of predicting and adjusting for better ROI. And they are all full of shit. If anybody could really improve results by "40 percent" or really "deliver $25 in sales for every $1 invested in targeting" there would be a line out of media buyers out their door. Frontload the calculation with favorable assumptions (such as "Will stay in the room during entire 30 secs, then turn to wife and declare, 'By God, that does it, I am buying a Ford next time!'") run the numbers, promise the client you will demand makegoods and see if the guy you interviewed with last week at the new agency has called you back yet. Problem solved.