I Got 99 Problems But Panda Ain't One

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In my last column, I dropped Searchery Rhymes
For bedtimes to go smooth without a peep.
Today, I got some harder core prose
For search pros after the kiddies are asleep.
 
Now, if you caught the SEO PPC rap battle
You know I got a little flow.
So here’s my take on 99 Problems (explicit lyrics yo!)
If Jay-Z were slingin’ SEO…
 
If you’re servin’ thin content, I feel bad for you, son.
I got 99 problems but Panda ain’t one.
 
I got hidden keywords on a site that’s slow.
Farmed-out links, so now my PageRank’s low.
Competitors reportin’ me to Matt Cutts, yo.
All because they’re jealous of me and my SEO.
If you inherited this mess then surely you’d know,
That I’m lucky just to get into position number 4.
Hired these cats that wore black from their hat to their toe.
Still findin’ pages they cloaked in the name of SoLoMo. 
Google got beef with me, which means so does my CEO.
I’m on the blacklist now, where no man wants to go.
Tryin’ to claw my way out, I got content to show,
Quality is high and I can always crank out more!
I sure don’t know what Google takes me as.
Don’t they see the rich assets that my site has.
Gonna get back atop the SERP when my work is done.
I got 99 problems but Panda ain’t one.
Hit me!
 
99 problems but Panda ain’t one.
If you’re servin’ thin content, I feel bad for you son.
I got 99 problems but Panda ain’t one.
Hit me!
 
The year is ‘04 and Google just went IPO.
Shoulda known right then they’d be less friend than foe.
Switched to a new CMS, lost all my history.
My URLs are all a mess, got no authority.
Now I ain’t tryin’ to start over from scratch again,
Plus my IT department was overloaded back then.
So, I hired myself an SEO offshore,
And heard, “Son, do you know what title tags are for?”
Lemme guess, to trick Google into thinkin’ we’re legit.
My keywords may be dense but I still know a little bit.
Now a question for you, how do I know you’ll perform?
“Well, look at all these sites that we’ve beaten the norm.”
“Just give us access to your CMS and domain host,”
“We’ll take it from here,” and next thing they were ghost.
Took my money and ran -- but not before the damage was done.
I got 99 problems but Panda ain’t one.
Hit me!
 
99 problems but Panda ain’t one.
If you’re servin’ thin content, I feel bad for you son.
I got 99 problems but Panda ain’t one.
Hit me!
 
Now once upon a time before SEO,
To get mad traffic, you just needed bankroll.
Buy a lotta banners and some pop-ups too.
Get yourself listed in the directory, Yahoo!
But then along came a spider, started crawlin’ around.
Lookin’ for relevant content, I had plenty to be found.
You know the type, always fresh and ripe,
But no inbound links to give it any hype.
The only thing I knew to do is farm it out.
Spammed a buncha blogs, now all I do is pout.
Lost my reputation, can’t buy my way back in.
Still nobody can tell me that my content is thin.
So I’ll keep my head down and do what I do best,
Create quality assets and let Google do the rest.
Startin’ to figure it out now, got alt tags and H1’s.
I got 99 problems but Panda ain’t one.
Hit me!

99 problems but Panda ain’t one.
If you’re servin’ thin content, I feel bad for you son.
I got 99 problems but Panda ain’t one.
Hit me!

You're crazy for this one, Chuck.
It's your boy, PPC MC.
Peace.

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6 comments on "I Got 99 Problems But Panda Ain't One".

1. Alan Charlesworth from the University of Sunderland
   

   commented on: March 21, 2012 at 10:15 a.m.
   That must have taken longer to write than the book ! However ... many a true word is rapped in jest. On a serious point - what do you say to folk when you are called in to give SEO advice and find a mess like that in your story?
2. Janel Landis laravie from Chacka Marketing
   

   commented on: March 21, 2012 at 11:34 a.m.
   We need a video link to a live performance of this one.
3. Shelly Kramer from V3 Integrated Marketing
   

   commented on: March 21, 2012 at 12:19 p.m.
   There are no words for how much I love this, Aaron.
4. Aaron Goldman from Kenshoo
   

   commented on: March 21, 2012 at 12:48 p.m.
   Shelly - preesh! Janel - SIS? Alan - indeed, most rappers take a kernel of truth from their lives and then greatly exaggerate to sell albums. In my case, I'm happy to say I don't actually have these problems nor do I get paid to write these columns so I can't be accused of selling out! :)
5. Shelly Kramer from V3 Integrated Marketing
   

   commented on: March 21, 2012 at 6:09 p.m.
   PS I agree with Janel - video is a must!
6. krystal taylor from ignitionone
   

   commented on: March 26, 2012 at 5:56 p.m.
   Nice!!!

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