My Resume, Disclaimed

Yahoo CEO resigns over resume discrepancy

Chief Executive Scott Thompson steps down after a dissident shareholder calls attention to an apparent misrepresentation of his college credentials. -- L.A. Times March 12, 2012

It is a great pleasure now being associated with MediaPost, a position I attained thanks in no small part to a resume compiled over many decades and a spotless reputation. However, in the past few days, a few matters have arisen that I believe must be cleared up before they get blown out of proportion.

First of all, it has been brought to my attention that my biographical material references “winner, Congressional Medal of Honor.” This was inadvertently added by a junior staffer some years ago and simply did not come onto my radar. The accurate information, which I have corrected on my CV, is “winner, $20 Maryland Lottery Mix ‘n’ Match scratch-off.” I apologize if anyone was misled due to this clerical error.

Similarly, the line that mentions “Chief Executive Officer, Ford Motor Co." should have read “Lessee, 1999 Mustang.” I daresay, however, that I did not win this position based on some resume on file. MediaPost called me.*

But there is always some malcontent just looking to tear a successful person down. For instance, there was also some confusion about the years I attended Cambridge University as a Gates Cambridge Scholar. The education field on my job application mistakenly lists 1973-1977. The correct dates should be “never.” 

Meanwhile, a thorough audit of my records by Deloitte & Touche turned up an apparent discrepancy in my first expense report. The item identified as “Lexis-Nexis research for blockbuster investigative series” should read “hotel sexcapade with floozy.” I hasten to add that as a matter of fiduciary responsibility, Madyson and I each had the cereal and croissant breakfast.  Neither of us so much as approached a chafing dish. This I explained to the maitre d’, who was persistent in questioning the sausage and egg residue on my plate. As I explained to both him and the police officer, the hot entrees were placed there due to a clerical error. This matter was satisfactorily resolved when I paid the difference out of my own pocket.

Due to another oversight, the expense item “taxi to Newark Airport” should have read “differential, continental breakfast and hot buffet.”

I must say I am as mystified as anyone as to how these minor discrepancies slipped through the cracks. Likewise, I am neither a 10th-degree judo blackbelt or a 33-degree Mason. To be an absolute stickler, in 1988, vacationing on Long Beach Island, I failed to administer sunscreen and suffered a second-degree burn.

Also, for clarity, the word “Abbottabad” should be replaced with the words “Port Authority.” I hope this clears up any outstanding confusion so I can put these distractions behind me and commence the work MediaPost hired me to do. Semper Fi!

*Returned call.

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7 comments about "My Resume, Disclaimed".
  1. Pooky Amsterdam from PookyMedia , May 15, 2012 at 4:50 p.m.
    Bravo Lord Garfield (or did I get that wrong?) What a great piece of writing that is just spot on with it's humor. Thank you - needed that! And welcome aboard!
  2. Kathryn Gorges from Marketing Possibility , May 15, 2012 at 4:53 p.m.
    This was good :) Thanks for the light hearted fun -- I look forward to more of your columns... you have set the bar for your self... And congrats on winning the lottery...
  3. Wallis Lawrence from Self EMPLOYED , May 15, 2012 at 5:22 p.m.
    you're singing on pitch. Do whatever Joe Mandesi says. (Hi, Joe.) we're all smart enough to be critical of the biggies. Do what you feel needs doing...
  4. Jean Young from Young & Associates , May 15, 2012 at 5:53 p.m.
    Great to know you will be pushing my funny button. Welcome.
  5. Tibor Weiss from Consultant , May 15, 2012 at 11:36 p.m.
    Dear President-For-Life Garfield, Bully for you. Tibor
  6. Edgar A. from Consultant , May 16, 2012 at 6:42 p.m.
    MediaPost is a step closer to being just another rag in the industry by offering non-informative commentary like this. You're late to the game with resume jokes, and you'd be better off detailing your own meaningful accomplishments within the industry because I don't see any content that makes me want to return here.
  7. Bill Glenn from TalentWise , May 17, 2012 at 12:09 a.m.
    Well done Bob! Very entertaining. My company offers a resume certification tool (www.talentshield.com) - apologies for the shameless plug - that helps job seekers validate their resume or online profile(s). We commissioned an online survey in 2011 and found that 3 of 10 job seekers felt that it was "acceptable to misrepresent something on their resumes". We're still amazed that these types of stories come to light - even at the highest levels in organizations. Just go to show, it pays to tell the truth and always double check that you've represented your creditals accurately on your resume/online profiles, because honest mistakes can be made, and you don't want those to come back to haunt you when you're seeking your next job. Welcome to your new job, and I look forward to reading more from you in the future.