• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, September 9, 2004

One of my favorite parts of The New York Times ad columnist Stuart Elliott's Tuesday e-mail newsletter is the letters from readers. No matter how idiotic the question, Stuart gives them a calm, reasoned response. But I'm sure if he had his way, it would go something more like this:

A Reader Asks: Who's that woman I'm seeing in a new commercial for Avon? She looks so familiar.

Stuart Elliott: Since you sent your question in by e-mail, I assume you know how to use the rest of your computer. So, try typing "Avon" into Google, click on the home page and right there you will see a photo of the women in the ad and the caption tells you her name. After all, isn't this what you tell your kid when he asks you a homework assignment question? Or maybe you think in between the 1,200 e-mails and 375 phone calls I get everyday, I have time to track down something just for you. You're lucky this kid from Brooklyn isn't still in a street gang.

A Reader Asks: What do you think of Advertising Week as a way to promote the ad industry's contributions to the New York and national economies?

Stuart Elliott: For Christ's sake Burtch, I told you I'd write about it and I will, will you stop sending me "reminders." I get it, I get it. And if that nutcase Matt drops by my office one more time, I'm going to drop kick him over the TwoFer Booth in Times Square.

A Reader Asks: A friend told me you always have breakfast in the same booth, in the same restaurant, and order the same thing. Is that true?

Stuart Elliott: Yes it is true. The restaurant motif is so trendy that it took me the better part of five years to use the water wall instead of the sink. I figure why start all over somewhere else?

A Reader Asks: Don't you ever get tired of watching commercials?

Stuart Elliott: To be perfectly honest, I haven't seen a commercial in about eight years. Most of them are too awful to watch. I make my editorial assistant watch them and tell me which ones are worth a look. Then, take my TiVo off of the "skip commercials" setting and see if I can catch the winners. So many agencies send me video tapes of their commercials that I used them to build a summer house on Staten Island.

A Reader Asks: How come you never write about Internet advertising?

Stuart Elliott: The Industry Standard, MediaCentral.com; Upside, Red Herring, ...tell me when to stop... Silicon Alley Reporter, Forbes ASAP...

A Reader Asks: How can I get my agency covered in your column?

Stuart Elliott: You could do what everyone else does. Never read my column so you'd have a clear idea of what interests me; Hire an incredibly annoying and rabidly persistent PR person to bombard me with pointless pitches and follow up calls; Have your CEO try to bribe me with dinner at some place I wouldn't dine if the dinner were served in bed; Send lots of trashy tchotchkes that you think I will keep on my desk as a reminder of your brilliant work; Every time you get a minor award like from the local Chamber of Commerce, make sure I get the press release by Fed Ex; Try to outflank me by pitching to Nat. I'm sure in 25 years there is something I haven't seen before.

A Reader Asks: Your ranking of ads after big TV events like the Super Bowl and the Oscars seem random (read: you haven't picked any of my agency's ads for top honors). How do you rate them?

Stuart Elliott: We gather all the tapes submitted by the networks and agencies, prepare a carefully-crafted cross matrix spreadsheet with numerous scoring fields, open a case of tequila and watch each tape. After viewing, we toss the tapes towards the bathroom. Any tape that lands outside in the hallway rates a bronze. Tapes that hit the tub are ranked silver and anything that plops into the porcelain throne is a gold. Anyone who yells "Mas tequila!" forfeits a throw. The last man standing has to write up the column.