• by Bob Garfield , Featured Columnist, November 9, 2015

My Fellow Americans,

Shame on the media for saying I didn’t stab my good friend or close family member (not named) Bob in the belt buckle with a knife! How dare they irresponsibly push their liberal agenda to say I did not commit aggravated assault and attempted murder when I was young, only later to be redeemed. I did indeed stab, let’s say, “Bob” and he knows who he is and I’m quite sure he will surface very soon to tell this horrific tale of my genuinely scary anger-management issue. If you really want to know how antisocial I could be before I walked the path of Jesus, you should also check behind the false wall in my basement.

This is why I should be your president. 

Let me tell you about media propaganda. The liberal elites who wish to destroy me keep spouting propaganda about my “involvement” with Mannatech -- yes, that’s right, as in manna from heaven. They sell nutritional supplements that I personally use, and wrote about in my book. I may have slightly given four paid speeches for them, including ones after they settled with the Texas state attorney general for $7 million for claiming to cure disease. And my photo with their logo might have appeared on their Web site, of course I appeared in their videos saying…

The wonderful thing about a company like Mannatech is that they recognize that when God made us, He gave us the right fuel. And that fuel was the right kind of healthy food. You know we live in a society that is very sophisticated, and sometimes we’re not able to achieve the original diet. And we have to alter our diet to fit our lifestyle. Many of the natural things are not included in our diet. Basically what the company is doing is trying to find a way to restore natural diet as a medicine or as a mechanism for maintaining health.

And I might have mentioned in a public speech that they partially endowed a $2.5 million chair in my name at Johns Hopkins University. But here’s what the biased so-called journalists don’t get: when I said that, IT WASN’T TRUE. That is why I’ve taken down the video from my Web site of that speech.

As I said on that farce of a debate to my obvious political enemy Carl Quintanilla of CNBC, I didn’t have an involvement with them. That is total propaganda, and this is what happens in our society. Total propaganda.

I don’t know about these liberal “relationship exaggerators,” but where I come from working with a group of sleazy powder pushers for ten solid years does not constitute a relationship. If I’d been close with them, duh, I would have stabbed them. This is all corroborated in the Bible, by the way. Do you happen to know what is stored in the Great Pyramids, aka the Pharaohs’ Granaries? I’ll tell you what: GlycoSlim, GlycoBOOM, GI-Zyme, ImmunoSTART, MannaCLEANSE and Uth Rejuvenation Crème.  These are all fine products. I use them. I SIMPLY DON’T KNOW WHO MAKES THEM.

Let me address the matter of my military career, since so many misstatements have been propagandized. When I was a young man, I was approached by General George Washington, who was impressed both with my dramatic lifting of myself by my bootstraps and my knife technique. “Young Ben,” he said, “you feem to handle a bayonet with ftrength and fkill. You are hereby appointed to the U.F. Military Academy at Weft Point."

“But General,” I protested. “I have other dreams. I shall decline your offer for a full non-existent scholarship. But no need to make a big fuss about this. Let’s just keep this whole episode between us.” True story. By the way, there was a picture of our meeting in my college newspaper. I have a clipping, but I will not produce it for national security reasons.

The media, of course, will not take my word for it. You didn’t see them nosing around into Barack Obama’s past, or Bill Clinton’s or Thomas Eagleton’s. Or Satan’s. No, no. They just want these “gotcha” moments. For instance, if they want to know about my fitness for office, why are they not focusing on my love of God and instead turning it into a reality show about the so-called faulty “arithmetic” in my flat tax proposal, which they clam would add an additional $1 trillion-plus to the deficit, but they don’t even bother to see my plan to give the budget GlycoSlim?

Can you say “witch hunt?”

My fellow Americans, I offer you two pieces of advice.

1)     Don’t let the media distract you.

2)     Stay away from Popeyes in Baltimore. It’s filled with phantoms with guns.