• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, March 9, 2017

In just the past hour I read about IBM Watson being hooked up to medical research (not working too well, apparently); CRM systems, and studying Antoni Gaudí’s bizarre architecture to create a unique sculpture for the Mobile World Congress in Barcelona.

Not a day goes by when someone doesn't make a deal with Watson (forgetting, I guess, that since it has enough logic to beat world chess champions, you probably negotiated your way into paying well over retail). Pretty soon it will be a non-news item. Instead, customers will recoil with "what do you mean your kitchen isn't using Watson to make béarnaise?"

In fact, I am already a little tired of all of the hoopla about Watson making everything from elevators to billboards to HVAC "smarter" and a step toward AI. Like we won't all end up being slaughtered by robots who reason that anyone stupid enough to put Trump in the Most Powerful Job in the World should not be allowed to propagate. But we tend to learn the hard way.

What I am really looking forward to is a Watson chip that you can plug into your wife and kids so that they suddenly understand the logic of your points of view.  

I realize that it should not take an implanted chip to get clearly that a Sweet 16 game on TV is more important than a dinner party. (And obviously your wife cannot foresee that after she smugly suggests you tape the game, it's INEVITABLE that some asswipe at the dinner table will glance up from his phone and say something ruinous like "Well, guess that ends the Tar Heels' season." )

With any luck, the Personal Watson Chip will also include some memory so that I don't have to argue "Yes! I DID tell you that last week.” I can just say, "Let's go to the tape!" which will have saved a month's worth of conversations.

Not to make this a Mars/Venus thing (especially since yesterday was International Women's Day and I am straightened out on the notion that men and women are IDENTICAL and should be paid accordingly — and have equal access to reproductive care), but since Watson was built by those dorky IBM guys who wear white shirts with pocket protectors, I suspect that next International Women's Day will be all about how various Watson-thises or Watson-thats don't really work because they were prejudiced against women from the start. Especially when the Personal Watson Chip agrees that inviting her mother for Christmas is a bad idea.

It would really make my life so much simpler if, when I say something to my kids, they simply agree and say, "Totally, dude" instead of pretending that the video on their phone prevents them from hearing anything within the decibel range of my voice. Or that somehow they see the logic in NOT transporting their pot through states that still consider it a class 1 drug (raise your hand or mumble if this sounds familiar).

But I am most looking forward to my wife understanding my side of an argument -- especially if it's one I have spent nearly 30 years waging to no positive outcome. But that assumes the Personal Watson Chip remains unaffected by white wine.