• by George Simpson , Featured Contributor, January 5, 2007

I was greatly alarmed to read in the recently released U.S. Census Bureau's Statistical Abstract of the United States: 2007 that people will spend 65 days this year watching television. While people with more advanced sensibilities might worry that this amount of time will directly contribute to obesity, lack of more than a superficial understanding of current events, and the compulsion to label men Mc(something), I worry more about what happens on the 66th day.

As it stands now, the Federal Communications Commission has appropriated 15,000 underemployed homeland security agents to deploy across the nation and alert people when they have reached their Census Bureau's Statistical Abstract allotment of TV time--which will occur on March 6 in most homes. Agents will be empowered to remove cable boxes, satellite dishes and rabbit ears from the few elderly who "could never see any goddamned point in paying to watch the TV, especially since they canceled Red Skelton."

Sociologists say that audiences deprived of their access to TV will go through four distinct stages of withdrawal that include: incredulity, characterized by outbursts such as "I told you it was a mistake to send Democrats back to Washington," and "You'll have to pry this remote out of my cold, dead hand..." This is followed by anger, marked by assignment of blame to other family members for using up the allotted time. The third stage is despair and mourning, as viewers wonder aloud: "But what will happen to Tony, will he get rubbed out?" and "I know Jack will save the country again, but HOW!!?" and "But I don't want to watch March Madness online!" The final stage, for those who don't inhale auto exhaust rather than live 300 more TV-less days, is resignation--characterized by smug indignations such as "Well, there was never anything worth watching anyway..." and "What the hell, I'll just download what I missed."

Of greater concern to sociologists will be the discovery by children that there are parents sitting in the same room as the TV set, and men who can no longer use "The Game" as a way to avoid talking to their significant others or doing yard work. "We are especially concerned about the children," says Dr. Henry Jekyll. "A good many of them have developed more formidable relationships with Ugly Betty and SpongeBob's best friend Patrick than they have with their mothers and fathers. When their requests for Krabby Patties are met with a blank stare, they could suffer a significant setback in their socialization process."

Law enforcement officials are also concerned that without TV to keep people isolated in their homes, they will venture out to rediscover why they hate their neighbors. "When the guy across the street lets his dog take a crap in your front yard, it doesn't bother you so much if you don't see it and you can't be sure where it came from. But day in, day out? That's when the trouble starts," says Gunther Tooty, an officer in the Garden City police department.

March 6 is known in the newspaper industry as Black Tuesday, since that's when TV audiences drop by 96.4 percent and local advertisers shift their spending back to print, returning newspapers to profitability. At least until Dec. 31, which is referred to as "Newsroom Layoff Monday."

The loss of broadcast and cable TV seems not to make much of a difference to big brands. "We can still find our buyers online," says one major consumer packaged goods marketer. "But we and our media agency grunts don't get the same level of Baksheesh from the Web sites, who think a hotdog and a beer at Wrigley Field is a big night on the town."