Don't Get Mad...

by George Simpson, Feb 16, 2007, 6:00 AM

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Not long ago I heard about a new Web site on which users who observe moronic driving behavior can post someone's license plate number--along with their thoughts on the owner's driving habits.

Ah, a new age dawns in the online world. Now instead of kicking some corporation's ass for a perceived wrong, we can all take direct shots at one another's personal idiosyncrasies. It's not enough that teens seek to embarrass one another on Facebook with candid cell phone shots from parties where substance abuse triumphs over better judgment. The Web enables us to call out anyone and everyone with whom we disagree or take offense. Let's get right to it, shall we?

Just Like Mike(ael) Scott.com: Don't bitch about the boss while catching a smoke in the building doorway. Instead, tell the world that he sleeps with the new marketing assistant or expenses lunches with his drinking buddies to the Harrison Account or doesn't know an accrual from a crudité. Why suffer under the current regime, when you can mount an anonymous coup right under his nasal-haired nose.

IHopeYouDidn'tPayforThat.com: A dynamically updated collection of fashion DON'Ts that rips off the concept from Glamour--and invites everyone to post photos of Manhattan tourists who wear nylon bowling league jackets from Des Moines, or anyone who actually wears anything that once walked down a runway in Bryant Park (or lives in Lindsay Lohan's closet).

PickAGoodOneForMe.com: Tired of people in their cars who think they are invisible when they pick their noses while cruising at 75--or, worse still, at a stop light? Capture their digital dexterity on your cell phone and add it to the endless collection of "nose pickers in public places." Bonus points for additional shots of them trying to discreetly wipe their boogers on the train or bus seat.

No,IT'sMe,Really.com: Let's face it, your ex turned out to be a two-timing liar who should be castrated or forced to watch "The View" until he puts a gun to his head. Why allow him to infect the world another moment? Protect the sisterhood. Post his photo and every rotten thing you can think of to say about the bastard. You can always take it down when you make up with him in about 10 days.

Life'sFirstLesson.com: The only way to stop college kids from spamming your inbox with unsolicited resumes and offers to "join your team" is to post them all in a single place pointing out why there's no chance in hell they would have ever gotten in your door (unless, of course, they look like Lyla Garrity).

GetEven.com: Ever have someone stiff you on an invoice? Take credit for your work? Dent your car and drive away? Let their youngen' trample your roses in search of overthrown lacrosse balls? Yell for their kid to "crush" your kid in a little league game? No slight is too little to let go anymore. Take to the Web and let the rest of the town know what jerks these folks are. Make knowing eye contact in church to signal that you are probably behind the post, but deny, deny, deny when confronted. Maybe even ask, "Can't we all just get along?"

The story you have just read is an attempt to blend fact and fiction in a manner that provokes thought, and on a good day, merriment. It would be ill-advised to take any of it literally. Take it, rather, with the same humor with which it is intended. Cut and paste or link to it at your own peril.

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